The TL:DR Bible: 1 Samuel 7-9


Yea, Monday, Bible Fun day…

Chapter 7:

Okay, so the men of Kiriath-jearim come up and take the ark and leave it at Abinadab’s house on the hill. Presumably, he drew the short straw. Well, his son also draws the short straw, because he’s tasked with taking care of it, so they do their magic consecration ritual on him and hope that God doesn’t kill them all too.

It stays there for 20 years because, again, it’s a magic death dealing box. Who wants that in their backyard?

Then Sam gets up and says, “Hey, it’s your fault you’re suffering and the Philistines are killing and oppressing you. If you would just quit worshipping other gods, then God would do something to help you.”

So they get rid of all their idols and gather together for a communal fast and Sam busts out a baby sheep for some good ol’ animal killing. Because you can’t really come home to God and just say you’re sorry, you need to bring Him a dead animal. The cuter, the better.

So the Philistines hear that a large group of Israelites are gathered together and they take it as a sign for war, so they march their army out and the Israelites freak, but Sam tells them that God has got this and God uses Thundershock. And because the Philistines are a water type, it’s super effective.

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Not God, yet revered and worshiped by a similar number of people.

So Israel wins the war and takes back all their land and there would be no more land disputes between Israel and her neighbors forever. The end.

So Sam because the tribal leader.

 

Chapter 8:

Sam is getting up there in the years, so he makes his two boys the next tribal leaders. But they’re corrupt jerks, so the people of Israel call for a meeting.

Israel: Hey, Sam, you’re kids as corrupt jerks. Frankly, this whole system of not having a leader until someone gets up and says, “I speak for God and He wants me in charge!” just isn’t working out. We’d like to change to a system of government where God picks someone and then his kids get to be in charge in perpetuity. Also, logic has not been invented yet, so this makes perfect sense to us.

Sam: I don’t think I’m okay with this.

God: It’s okay, give them a king. They’re not rejecting you, they’re rejecting me. Like they’ve always done.

Israel: No, no, we’re not rejecting you at all. We’re rejecting not having a leader or any semblance of a continuity of government to keep our military organized and provide infrastructure and law enforcement. I mean, hell, if you want to actually show up and step into the job, we’d love to have the God of the Universe actually here, physically present leading us. You could just tell us what to do every day and we’d do it.

God: You’ve rejected me!

Israel: But-

God: REJECTED! Sam, tell them that a king will draft their sons into his army, organize them, build infrastructure, hire their daughters in a jobs program, and impose taxes on them

Israel: We’re right here.

God: I’m not talking to you.

Israel: Well, obviously, that’s sort of the problem.

God: Tell them, Sam.

Sam: Sigh… okay, look if you choose a king-

Israel: We got the gist. I mean, it’s not a constitutionally appointed government of the people, but it’ll do.

God: Fine. Give them a king.

Sam: Everyone just… leave… just go… I need a drink.

 

Chapter 9:

So we’re introduced to Saul. His dad loses some donkeys, so he sends Saul out to go get them.

Saul: DONKEY!

But there are no donkeys around, so Saul decides to head home. But his slave suggests they go ask Sam because God can tell them where the donkeys are. Which, I gotta say, if you get to ask God one question that He has to answer, I’d aim higher.

And Saul says, “What have we got to pay the man with? We’re out of food.”

Slave: I’ve got some money.

So they approach the city and ask where Sam is and a girl tells them that Sam is up at a high place because the people are sacrificing to God, which didn’t God say you’re not supposed to sacrifice all willy nilly and definitely not up in the high places, you had to come to his tent and the high priest and his kids had to do the sacrificing? It seems like the guy who’s talking to God didn’t get that memo.

But God had told Sam that He was going to send Saul to him and Sam should make him king of Israel and he would free Israel from the Philistines. Which… I guess the Philistines were back? Okay. The Philistines are back now.

So when Saul shows up, God tells Sam, “That’s the guy!”

Sam invites Saul to lunch and to spend the night and then go home the following day because the donkeys were found. Sam gives Saul the best cut of the animal they killed and they eat and the following day, he sees Saul and his slave to the edge of town and tells the slave to go on ahead, Sam has some private words for Saul, which really sounds like the opening to a bad porn movie, but no, there will be no prophet on handsome young king action in the next chapter, just some oil, some asses, a bit of dancing.

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