The TL:DR Bible: 1 Samuel 19-21

Chapter 19:

Saul’s paranoia reaches its limits and he tells his son Jon to take some soldiers and go and kill David. Jon, of course, has a thing for David, friendship or more… definitely sounds like more here. So Jon sends David a message to hide until morning and Jon will have a chat with Saul.

Jon: Look, dad, David’s cool. He’s helped us secure the kingdom. He’s killed Philistines for us. Don’t kill him. You’d be shedding innocent blood.

Saul: Okay, okay, I won’t kill him.

So Saul and David make up, but it’s only temporary as David gains more glory for himself in the next war and Saul throws a spear at him again. David escapes the palace and heads home, but Saul sends guards to watch his house so he can’t escape.

Michal: My dad’s going to kill you. You have to escape tonight.

She lowers David out a window with a rope and he escapes. Then she takes the household idol…David had an idol? They were idol worshippers too? I did not know that. She takes the house god and puts it in bed and covers it with blankets and puts a goat hair fleece on top of it so it looks hairy.

Guard: Knock knock… we’re here to kill David.

Michal: He’s sick.

Guard: Oh… well, then I guess we’ll come back when he’s feeling better. Can’t kill a man when he’s sick.

Saul: Yes, you can. Bring him here!

Guard: Oh, it’s not David, just an idol here.

Saul: Why are you trying to destroy me?

Michal: David threatened me… yeah… that’s it. He threatened me and I had to help him.

David flees down to Sam and tells Sam about all the stuff Saul’s doing. Saul sends people after them and they run into some prophets and the Spirit of God falls on them and they start prophesying. So he sends more men, and they start prophesying, so he goes himself and he starts prophesying, walks to Sam’s house, strips naked and lies down in Sam’s house all day and night “prophesying”.


Chapter 20:

David: Jon, why does your dad hate me so much? I haven’t done anything.

Jon: Dude, he’s not going to kill you, Boo. He’d tell me.

David: He knows you like me and doesn’t want you to be sad.

Jon: I’ll do anything for you. Anything.

David: Tomorrow I’m supposed to have dinner with your dad. If he misses me, tell him I went back home for a yearly sacrifice. If he’s okay with my absence, I’ll know we’re good now. If he gets mad, then I’ll know I need to run. Come and tell me either way.

Jon: Let’s go to the field. I love you as I love my own life. I will tell you either way. Promise me that when the kingdom is yours, you’ll be kind and remember me. Remember our special times here. In three days, I’ll come to this field and shoot some arrows. If I tell the boy with me to go to the side, then you are safe. If I tell him to go further to look, then know that you must run.

David hides in the field. Saul notices his absence. Jon tells the lie and Saul is not happy.

Saul: You son of a whore. You’re in love with him. Bring him to me that he may die!

Jon: You never like any of my boyfriends!

Saul throws a spear at his own son.

Jon goes to the field, lets David know what’s going on, the two kiss and cry and go their separate ways.

There is no happily ever after for this couple… of friends… just totally manly bros hanging out in the fields and kissing and being totes heterosexual dudes together.


Chapter 21:

David and his most loyal followers go to Nob and meets with the priest of the cult of Yahweh, Ahimelech.

David: Oh, dude, good to see you. Yeah, the king totally has me on a secret mission and don’t tell anyone about it, but I need some food and maybe a sword. I was just in such a rush, I totally forgot to pack food and bring… a… weapon…

Ahimelech: I don’t have any bread, except the bread that’s dedicated to Yahweh, but… I guess human needs trump religious rules…

God: Since when?

Ahimelech: So I guess if your men haven’t had sex recently, you can have those. Oh, and Goliath’s sword is over there if you need it.

So David takes the bread and the sword and leaves, but one of Saul’s royal shepherds sees him and reports to Saul.

David goes to Gath… you know… a city of the Philistines… where Goliath was from… and he’s carrying Goliath’s sword.

Everyone in Gath: Dude… you’re David. You’re like the number 1 spot on our most wanted list.

David becomes afraid and starts drooling on himself and scribbling on the walls.

King of Gath: Dude, I have enough lunatics in my own entourage, I don’t need anymore. Throw this loser out of the city. So they throw David and his men out of Gath and they leave.

It’s kind of ironic, that David killed Goliath and is now carrying his sword and living with the Philistines. Something about violence begetting violence and fighting monsters may turn you into one.

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