The TL:DR Bible: 1 Samuel 25-27


Chapter 25:

Samuel dies. Everyone’s sad. He was a just a poor man who just wanted a tall, dark, and handsome king to sweep him off his feet.

David is living near the lands of this wealthy guy called Nabal. After Nabal’s sheep are sheared, he throws a party, and David sends some messengers to him saying, “So, uh, we’ve been providing protection for your shepherds the whole time we’ve been living here. How’s about a little something something for us, eh?”

Nabal tells them to go pound sand, and David tells everyone to get ready for battle. They’re going to go killin’ tonight.

But some of Nabal’s slaves tell his wife Abigail that David sent men asking for some stuff and how David’s men were honorable and protected them from raiders, thieves, and wild animals, and that she might want to do something about that before David shows up and kills everyone in the house.

So Abigail packs up a lot of provisions and sends them on ahead of her to David. David is fuming and pouting a bit and swearing that he won’t leave a single man alive in Nabal’s house by morning. Abigail finds David, bows before him and apologizes.

Abby: Look, my husband is an idiot. It’s my fault. Here’s some stuff. Please don’t take matters into your own hand and kill everyone in my house.

David: Okay, you’ve convinced me. Plus, you’re kinda hot. I mean, you’re not Jonathan hot or anything, but if your husband has an ‘accident’ and dies, you should consider joining me.

So Abigail goes home, finds Nabal drunk, and tells him what she did. Then Nabal has a stroke or something and dies, so Abby goes and marries David, who now has three wives, the bible tells us. Biblical marriage, everyone!

 

Chapter 26:

Saul takes the army out to kill David. David finds Saul’s camp.

David: Okay, I’m going down there when it gets dark. Who’s coming with me?

Abishai volunteers and they sneak into Saul’s camp and find everyone asleep.

Abishai: Okay, let’s kill Saul and be done with it.

David: No, I can’t. He’s the Lord’s anointed!

Abishai: Okay, first of all, so are you. Second, why the hell would God anoint this guy when He knew Saul was going to go psycho and kill His priests? Third, didn’t God already take His Spirit from Saul and start letting a demon drive him bonkers?

David: I don’t see your point.

Abishai: Why did we even risk our lives to come down here?

David: I’m going to take some objects from Saul and spare his life again and show him how I spared it.

Abishai: Because that worked out really well last time we did it.

So they take Saul’s spear and water jug and return to their camp. In the morning, they taunt Saul’s commander, Abner for not protecting his king.

Saul: Oh, David, I’m so sorry.

David: Thanks. Can you please try not to kill me anymore?

Saul: Eh, probably not. We’ll see, I guess.

 

Chapter 27:

David becomes a Philistine raider for the king of Gath. So he’s kind of become Goliath now. He’s carrying his sword. He’s serving Goliath’s king. He’s engaging in violence and genocide and plunder for the Philistines.

He’s even gifted his own city by the king of Gath for his service, all of which, the author of 1 Samuel said is a lie. David has been killing Canaanite men, women, children, and infants and taking their things, all the while he is lying to his new boss telling him that he’s been raiding the Israelites instead. His new boss is pleased with him and trusts him completely.

Gone is the pious shepherd. In his place, stands a raider chieftain with the blood of innocents on his hands, serving a foreign king who worships a foreign god. Hell, given that David owned idols previously, maybe he worships the foreign god in addition to Yahweh.

Violence begets violence.

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