The TL:DR Bible: 1 Samuel 28-31


Chapter 28:

David’s hanging with the Philistines now, so when they decide to go to war with Israel, Achish, the king of Gath, calls up David and says, “You’re coming with us to fight.”

David: Cool. We’ll show you what we can do.

Achish: You’re going to be my right-hand, most trusted man after this.

Meanwhile, Saul hears about the Philistines gathering for battle and sees their army and realizes that hhe’s outnumbered. He tries consulting with God, but God refuses to answer, so Saul decides to try seeing a psychic.

Advisor: Well, you killed most of them for Yahweh, which is kind of ironic now, but I think there’s still one down in Endor. You just have to get through a bunch of pint-sized teddy bears to see her.

swk_wicket

Yub yub!

So Saul heads down to the forest moon of Endor to see the psychic.

Saul: Hey, I want to talk to the dead.

Psychic: That’s highly illegal. Saul’s been killing people who do that left and right.

Saul: No, dude, it’s cool. Just let me talk to Samuel.

The psychic does her nonsense and ‘sees’ Samuel. “You’re King Saul!”

“It’s cool. What do you see?”

“An old man with a robe… his name starts with a “T” or maybe “S”…”

“It’s Samuel!” Saul cries.

“Sure, why not,” the psychic says. “What do you want to ask him?”

“Will I win the battle?” Saul said.

“No,” the psychic said. “You’re going to die. You didn’t genocide the Amalekites good enough. So you and Jonathan have to die, and a lot of other Israelites too, even though they didn’t really do anything wrong, but you know… God.”

So Saul falls to the ground and refuses to eat, but the psychic makes him some steak and rolls and he eats and leaves.

 

Chapter 29:

Philistine kings: Okay, so the preparations for our invasion of Israel are going well, but, uh… what’s up with that David guy, Achish?

Achish: He’s been a loyal servant and a good raider.

Philistine kings: Yeah, he also killed a bunch of us when he was working with Saul. He killed Goliath. Remember? Tall guy? Lived in your city?

Achish: I don’t see the problem.

Philistine Kings: He’s not coming with us.

Achish: Sorry, David.

David: Seriously, I’m good. I’m totally ready to kill Israelites.

Achish: No, go. The other kings don’t trust you. Go home.

So David goes home.

 

Chapter 30:

Except there’s no home to go home to. Their city is burned to the ground and all of their women, children, animals, and stuff is taken. They’re very upset.

“Oh, so this is what it feels like to be on the receiving end of these raids we do!” they exclaim.

Everyone’s angry and they talk about killing David, so David summons the priest with the Holy Magic 8-Ball.

“Should we go after them?” David asks.

“It is Certain” the Holy Magic 8-ball of Antioch said.

So David takes 400 of his men, and 200 stay behind who were too exhausted to ford a stream. They find an Egyptian slave left to die and help him.

“So who are you with?” they asked.

“The Amalekites. They raided Ziglag and burned it with fire and carried off the women and children and stuff, but I got sick, so my owner left me here to die,” he said.

“Cool, could you, uh, maybe show us where their camp is?”

“If you promise not to kill me or return me to my master,” he said.

So he takes them down there, David attacks and slaughters the Amalekites, rescues all their families and stuff, and everyone is happy again. There’s a dispute over how the stuff should be divided with the men who fought not wanting to share with those that stayed behind, but David distributes the booty equally with everyone, and then gets political and starts sending portions of the booty to various elders and towns in Judah to gather popular support.

 

Chapter 31:

The Philistines go to war with Israel, Israel loses the battle. Jon and his brothers die. Saul is shot up with arrows like a common Boromir…

boromir

One does not simply make memes when archers are shooting at you.

…and begs his armor bearer to kill him, but the armor bearer refuses, so Saul guts himself with his own sword, and his armor bearer does likewise.

The Philistines make a display of Saul’s body and send it on a tour of their hometowns, but some commandos  from Jabesh-gilead snuck into Philistine territory, retrieved the bodies of Saul and his sons, buried them, then fasted for a week in mourning.

And we end on a cliffhanger. Israel is defeated and broken, David is getting political, Saul and his sons are dead, and Israel has no king. Do you think there will be a sequel to this book? I mean, I know it’s called 1 Samuel and all, but you know, if it doesn’t do well at the box office, the studio might never get around to making 2 Samuel.

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