The TL:DR Bible: 2 Samuel 4-6


Chapter 4:

Ish-bosheth, the king of Israel, hears that Abner his general is dead and he freaks out and the nation is freaking out because the king is freaked out and there’s just a big ol’ freak out in Israel. So there were a couple of captains in the army named Baanah and Rechab.

And then the editor inserts a paragraph telling us that Jon had a son who was crippled named Mephibosheth.

Anyway, those captains sneak into the palace, kill the king, cut off his head and bring it to David.

Captains: Hey, David, here’s your rival. The war is over. The kingdom is yours.

David: You guys probably haven’t heard, but I killed the last messenger who brought me what he thought was good news. And he only mercy killed Saul. You guys murdered a king in his bed.”

So David has them killed and their hands and feet cut off and their bodies strung up. Ish-bosheth’s head is buried in Abner’s grave.

 

Chapter 5:

Israel: Hello, Daaaavie.

David: Hey, Israel.

Israel: Wanna be our king too?

David: Sure.

But David needs a capital city, and Jerusalem is occupied by the Jebusites. So they talk trash at David saying, “The blind and the lame can turn you guys away.” So after David captures the city, he says, “Whoever wants to kill the Jebusites, you guys can reach the blind and the lame who I hate by going through the water tunnels.” So then all the people said, “The blind and the lame shall not come into the house.”

I, uh… I guess it loses something in the translation. Either that or the Israelis living in Jerusalem made the blind and the lame people sleep outside. That’s entirely possible with this book, you know.

Then the king of Tyre sent David some lumber and architects to build David’s palace and David is really happy that God is blessing him.

So happy that he goes and marries a few more wives and gathers a few more sex slaves and just has lots of freaky biblical marriage sex and has a boatload of even more kids.

But then the Philistines are like, “Hey, that guy who used to raid for us is now the king of Israel? Let’s go kill him.”

So David consults his oracle (the Urim and Thummin aka the Holy Magic 8-ball of Antioch).

David: Is it a good time to go fight the Philstines?

Oracle: It is certain.

David wins, the Philistines leave their gods behind (and don’t you hate it when that happens?), and the Jews rename the place Baal-perazim… I’m sure it made sense at the time. Maybe you had to be there. So David and his men take away their gods.

Then the Philistines try to attack Israel again, and the Oracle tells David to flank the Philistines and wait for a really strong wind to blow through the trees and then attack. So he does and he wins again.

 

Chapter 6:

So things are going well for David and he decides it’s time to get the Ark back. They load it on a cart and have a big walking parade with dancing and musicians. And then the oxen pulling the cart almost throw the Ark from the cart and Uzzah reaches out and steadies it and keeps it from falling.

God: DO NOT TOUCH MY STUFF! THAT’S MY BOX! MY… BOX! NOT YOURS.

And God kills him.

David: Dude… what the hell, man?

God: He touched my box, bro… that is NOT cool.

David: Fine. Maybe I’ll just leave your box right here then.

God: Fine with me. Maybe I’ll just bless this guy’s house for being nice and not touching my box.

(Three months later)

David: Okay, fine. I want in on some of that blessing. I’ll go get your box.

And so David go the box and brought it to Jerusalem and every six paces, he killed a couple of animals for God. And he was dancing in a linen ephod and his wife Michal sees him and thinks he looks stupid and tells him this after David finishes the festival by killing some more animals for God. So David comes back with “God loves me more than He loved your dad.”

And David either never had sex with her again or God cursed her with barrenness. Again… in this book, either is possible.

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