The TL:DR Bible: 2 Samuel 7-9


Chapter 7:

So David is enjoying life as the king, and as he’s hanging out in his house, he gets an idea.

David: I’ve got this awesome palace, but God’s living in a tent. We should make him a really cool house.

Nathan: Sounds good.

God: Uh, no. Are you the one who’s going to build a house for Me? I live in my tent. I like my tent. I never asked for a house. Look, David, I’m the one who made you king, and I’ll give you peace from your enemies and I’ll appoint a place for Israel so they won’t be disturbed again or harassed by their enemies… except for that time the Assyrians come… and the Babylonians… and the Romans… and I guess the Germans really harassed them… but… maybe I should edit out that part? Nah, nah, it’s probably good… anyway, I’ll establish your royal house and your son will build my house and we’ll be besties… and when he screws up, I’ll punish him, but I won’t replace him like I did with Saul. Your throne will be established forever… except for the time period between the Babylonians and when my Kid shows up… and the time from when He leaves until He comes back, but other than that… it’s all good.

David: You’re great. You’re awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

Chapter 8:

David defeats the Philistines again and captures their capitol. David defeats Moab. And, if I’m reading this right, he sorts the people into three lines and then kills 2/3rds of them and makes the rest pay him stuff to stay alive.

David defeats Hadadezer and captures a lot of soldiers and horses, and then he cuts the tendons to the horses’ legs, because why the hell not? I mean he just summarily executed a bunch of Moabites, why not add animal cruelty to your list of accomplishments?

And when the Arameans came to help Hadadezer, David kills a bunch of them and occupies their land and makes them give him stuff.

And he occupies Edom and makes them give him stuff.

So David was awesome and governed well. Joab was his general. Jeoshaphat was the scribe. Zadok and Ahimelech were the priests. And Seraiah was the secretary. And a bunch of David’s kids were governors.

 

Chapter 9:

David: Hey, is there anyone still alive of Saul’s family that I may show kindness towards them?

Minister: Well, there is your wife Micah…

David: Phppptt… no. She’s a woman… and she made fun of my dancing.

Ziba: Well, I used to work for Saul and he’s got a grandson by Jon called Mephibosheth who’s crippled in both feet.

David: Bring him here, would you?

Meph: You’re going to kill me, aren’t you?

David: No, no… I loved your father. Like LOVED your father. So you can have all of Saul’s old lands back and you hang out here at the palace and eat with me. Oh, and you, Ziba… you and your family are his servants now. You guys work the land and he’ll get all the profits from it.

Ziba: Goodie…

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