The TL:DR Bible: 1 Kings 5-7

Chapter 5:

Hiram, the king of Tyre, had been friends with David and sends some emissaries to Solomon to console him and offer continued friendship. Solomon replies that he intends to build a temple for Yahweh, and Solomon asks Hiram if Solomon can hire some of his people to serve as lumberjacks and carpenters and compliments Hiram that his people really know their business when it comes to wood.

So they work out a trade deal where Solomon provides Hiram with wheat and Hiram provides Solomon with the wood he needs for the temple. And the two kings renew the alliance between Tyre and Israel.

So Solomon forces 180,000 men to work for him and puts overseers in charge of them, and you can start to see why folks weren’t that happy with Solomon’s rule after he died.


Chapter 6:

So Solomon starts building God’s new house. If I’m doing my math right, it’s a fairly spacious 2700 square foot building with a porch in front, nice artisan crafted windows and pillars.

They prepared the stones at the quarry, so there was no construction noise on site

Solomon installs the cedar paneling and supports, and God drops by for His inspection.

God: Nice work, Sol. Now, if you guys do everything I’ve said, I’ll live here forever. But cross Me and….

So they finished God’s new pad, put in more cedar paneling and wood flooring, and the Solomon just covers the whole thing in gold like some common Trump.

Overall, it took him seven years to build God’s house. Of course, the contractors originally said it would take two weeks, and God had already cancelled His lease, so He had to move back in with his parents and his girlfriend kept complaining and nagging him wondering when He was going to have His own house until He created another universe just so He could get away from her until His house was done. And then He had a sweet housewarming party with a live band and everyone was there except Noah, because Noah was still in AA.


Chapter 7:

Then Solomon, or perhaps concurrently, Solomon built himself a house that was 11,000 square feet and equally decked out with gold and jewels and wood paneling.

So now Solomon had a house, and God had a house, but God didn’t have any furniture for his crib, so Solomon calls up Hiram again and asks him to come and make a bunch of bronze stuff for God.

So Hiram made:



Gilding that looked like lilies and pomegranates and a giant bronze bathtub

Brass lions, cows, and angels and wreaths to decorate the ceiling

And a lot of other stuff… just bronze and gold and jewels everywhere.

So Solomon had the people move all of the heavy bronze stuff into God’s house and do the prep work for the big reveal that will happen… right after this commercial break.

Sneak peak:

Solomon: Okay, Yahweh, are you ready for the big reveal? Here it is?

God: OH MY ME!


One thought on “The TL:DR Bible: 1 Kings 5-7

  1. Tulse

    “So they work out a trade deal where Solomon provides Hiram with wheat and Hiram provides Solomon with the wood he needs” — sounds like a typical game of Settlers of Catan to me.

    By the way, FANTASTIC blog!



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