The TL:DR Bible: 1 Kings 15-17

Chapter 15:

So Abijam becomes king over Judah and he does evil in the sight of the Lord, but God was cutting Judah some slack because God really loved David because David did everything that God commanded of him, except for that one little time when he raped and murdered.

But other than that little thing…

But Abijam was a dick and if you want to read more about him, go find another book. The bible isn’t your librarian.

So Abijam died and his son Asa takes over in Judah. And Asa picks the cult of Yahweh as his religion and he gets rid of the other gods and he gives God new stuff to replace the stuff that the Egyptians had stolen from Rehoboam.

Then there was war between Judah and Israel (again…) and Asa finds him country under siege, so he sends the stuff he gave to God’s house to the king of Aram to go and attack Israel so Israel will leave Judah alone.

So Asa grew old and got gout or diabetes or some type of foot infection and died and his son Jehoshaphat takes the throne.

And if you want to learn more about Asa, go get the chronicles of the kings of Judah from your local ancient library.

Over in Israel, Nadab reigned for two years, and then he was assassinated by Baasha who then takes the throne and kills the house of Jeroboam because Jeroboam was into idolatry and that made God mad. And if you want to learn more about Nadab, go find the Book of the Chronicles of the Kings of Israel.

And then Baasha reigned and he did the exact same crap that Jeroboam did, and really, not to harp on this point, but God should have seen that one coming.


Chapter 16:

So Baasha gets the message from God that God’s mad about his idolatry and God’s going to destroy him and his house and replace him with someone worse. I’m starting to think that God’s not very good at picking leaders.

Baasha dies and you can go read about him somewhere else, the author of 1 Kings doesn’t care. And Elah, his son takes the throne of Israel and lasts two years before his general Zimri assassinates him, kills all of his male relatives, and takes the throne for himself. And if you want to read about Elah, go **** yourself, we’re not talking anymore about him, says the author. Go find that other book about the kings of Israel!

Zimri lasts as king seven days before the army and the people hear that he murdered the king, so the rest of the army goes up and attacks the city he’s living in and Zimri commits suicide by burning the tower he’s in to the ground.  And if you want to learn more about Zimri and the conspiracy to kill the king, fine… go read about it in the Chronicles of the Kings of Israel… see if I care… I don’t… I made it into the bible, where’s the writer of that other book, eh? Nowhere, that’s where. Perfectly good book right here and you people want more details and character arcs and history… you just go read that other book, you cheating harlots… (sobs)

So the people then were divided between following Omri and following Tibni and there was a war and Tibni died, so Omri was made king of Israel and he was worse than everyone before him. You think God was at this point, like, “I keep voting out these assholes and voting in new ones, but they just keep getting worse… I’m going to vote third party next time to really send them a message?”

But Omri was just like, “Hooray for idols!” and there were idols everywhere. Your Astrea, your Marduks, your Ba’als, your Kelly Clarksons.

So Omri died, and Ahab takes over. And Ahab is worse than Omri and God was like, “I can’t seriously believe I voted for Jill Stein! Man, that was stupid, now I’m stuck with this idiot.”

So Ahab built a bunch of stuff for Ba’al and Asherah and he married Jezebel.

And someone we don’t care about rebuilds Jericho and God kills his eldest son and his youngest son because Joshua cursed the place, or because it’s been like three whole chapters since God killed someone and he has an itchy smiting finger.


Chapter 17:

And finally, we get a break from the “and this idiot reigned and he did evil in the sight of the Lord, and he died…” loop, and we get to Elijah.

Elijah: Dudes, it’s not going to rain anymore until I command it.

God: You should probably leave and go down to the brook Cherith before the king captures you and tortures you and makes you command the rains. I’ll have some birds drop food for you.

And Elijah hung out by that brook and ravens would bring him food every morning and evening. And lo, did Elijah have all the salmonella and didst have vomiting and diarrhea and stomach cramps. And the Lord didst say, “Thou shouldst probably reheat the food the birds bring thee over fire.” And everyone didst have a hearty laugh… well, Elijah may have been dry heaving.

But then the brook dries up.

God: You should probably leave here before you die of dehydration. Go up to Zarapheth which is a foreign city filled with foreigners that I don’t like. I picked one of those foreigners to put you up.

So Elijah goes to Zarapheth and meets a widow there and asks her for water and food.

Widow: I don’t have any food, just a handful of flour. I was going to make some flat bread of it for myself and my boy so we could have one last meal before we die.

Elijah: Go make bread for me, then make some for yourself and your boy. God will keep the flour and oil flowing.

So God does a miracle and keeps the flour and oil sufficient for the three of them so they keep eating bread for a while, until they got sick and died of malnutrition because you can’t live off of bread indefinitely.

I was joking about that, but apparently the widow’s son does get sick and dies. The widow is understandably upset.

Widow: You’ve come here to kill my son because I’m a sinner!

Elijah: Surprisingly, no… I haven’t… let me talk to the Big Guy. Bring your son’s body to me.

So she brings the boy’s body to Elijah.

Elijah: Hey, God? What’s the deal, man?

And Elijah laid down on top of the boy, which isn’t weird at all, except it’s really, really weird.

Elijah: Oh Lord, hows about You don’t kill this kid and let him live? Pretty please?

God: Aw, man… come on… I didn’t get enough smiting in the last chapter…

Elijah: Come on, Big Guy… I promise there will be a much higher body count soon.

God: Well… I do love a good mass slaughter in My name. Okay. You can have the boy back.

So the boy comes back to life, Elijah shows him to his mom, and the widow is in awe of Elijah, because the miracle of unending food apparently wasn’t enough to convince her that he was a prophet of God.





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