The TL:DR Bible – 1 Kings 18 & 19

Chapter 18:

God: Go show yourself to Ahab and tell him I’m going to make it rain.

Elijah: Okay, but strip clubs haven’t even been invented yet.

Meanwhile, Ahab calls his chief of staff Obadiah, a follower of Yahweh who hid some of the prophets when the queen ordered their execution.

Ahab: Let’s split up and see if you can find any grass, so we can keep our animals alive and not have to kill them.

So they split up and Elijah walks up to Obadiah.

Elijah: Hey, there. Go get Ahab.

Obadiah: We’ve been looking everywhere for you! But now, if I go and get Ahab, God will teleport you somewhere and I’ll royally piss off Ahab.

Elijah: Don’t worry. I’m on a mission from God.

So Obadiah gets Ahab.

Ahab: Is that you, the jackass who started the famine?

Elijah: You’re the jackass for following other gods. Now, gather all of Israel together along with all of your prophets of Ba’al and the prophets of the Asherah.

So instead of killing him, Ahab follows Elijah’s orders. Everyone gets together at Mt. Carmel. Then Elijah gets up to speak.

Elijah: Look, gang, how long are we going to do this dance? Pick a god. Yahweh or Ba’al. So I tell you what, we’re going to set up two altars and two sacrifices and whichever god can make fire without us touching it or doing it ourselves is the real God, sound good?

Well, it sounded good to everyone, and Elijah let the other prophets go first. So from morning until noon, they cried out to Ba’al. And lept around and cut themselves. Eventually everyone gets bored and Elijah starts trolling them.

Elijah: Hey, call louder. He’s a god right? That means he’s way the hell up there. Or maybe you’ll have to leave a message, he might be on the porcelain throne.

So they carry on until late afternoon when Elijah takes his turn.  He rebuilds an altar and digs a trench around it.

Elijah: Pour some water on the offering. No, go ahead and pour more water on it. Get it nice and soaked. Okay, hey God, why don’t you let everyone here know you’re God?

So fire comes down from heaven and incinerates the offering, the wood, the water, the stones, and the dirt. Everyone falls to their faces and worships Yahweh. Elijah orders the people to seize the prophets of Ba’al and he kills them all.

And I still think it would have been easier for God to have told Jeroboam or Ahab to knock off that idolatry crap under penalty of smiting with a big booming voice from the heavens, but whatever.

Elijah: Eat and drink, King Ahab, you must ride home soon to avoid the heavy storm that is coming.

So a storm comes and God lets Elijah tap into the Speed Force and outrun Ahab’s chariot and arrive in Jezreel first.


Chapter 19:

So King Ahab returns home.

Jezebel: Hi, Honey! How was your day?

Ahab: Interesting… I guess. It’s finally raining.

Jezebel: Oh good. Does that mean you killed Elijah?

Ahab: Weeeeeeeeeell…

Jezebel: What did you do, Ahab?

Ahab: I didn’t kill him as much as I followed his orders, set up a contest between him and our prophets, and when he won that contest, let him kill all of our prophets.

Jezebel: Fine, Ahab, I’ll kill him. Hey, Elijah! I’m totes going to kill you!

Elijah: Zoinks!

Elijah runs away. This makes me wonder if the whole fire from heaven thing wasn’t some sort of trick. I mean, if you have God on speed dial to use a space laser on your enemies, you think a little threat from a puny human wouldn’t really concern you that much.

Or maybe Elijah was manic-depressive because he lays down next to a tree and moans, “Dear God, please kill me now!” Then he falls asleep. An angel wakes him up, gives him some lembas bread and water and tells him to eat.  He does and falls asleep again. The angel wakes him up and gives him more lembas bread and water. “You’ve got a long journey ahead of you. Eat more.”

So Elijah eats more and the lembas bread sustains him for 40 days until he reaches a cave in Mt. Horeb.

God: Hey, Eli, whatcha doing?

Eli: Oh, how I’ve suffered so… I’ve been a good prophet… said my prayers… read my bible… cursed an entire land to famine and drought. Now they want to kill me! I’m all alone… the pain! The pain, William!

God: Go stand outside.

God uses Gust. It’s not very effective.

God uses Earthquake. It’s not very effective.

God uses Flamethrower. It’s not very effective.

God tries talking to Elijah. It’s super effective. You should do that more often to, I don’t know… EVERYONE.

God: Seriously, man, what are you doing?

Eli: I’m so alone. No one understands me.

God: Aww, it’s okay, emo kid. You’re going to be just fine. Go anoint Hazael king over Damascus. Then anoint Jehu king over Israel. Then go take Elisha as your padawan. Between the three of them, they’re going to kill sooooooooo many infidels.

So Elijah goes and finds Elisha and makes him his padawan and Elijah kisses his parents goodbye and kills a few animals because it’s just want you did back then, I guess. And he leaves with Elijah.


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