The TL:DR Bible – 2 Kings 1-3


11 books down… just 55 more to go…

 

Chapter 1:

Ahaziah falls through a lattice from some reason that probably rhymes with schmalcohol…  and is injured and probably suffering internal bleeding of some sort, so he sends messengers to the temple of Baal-zebub on whether or not he will recover.

But on their way, they meet Elijah who tells them to go tell the king that he’s going to die.

Messengers: So we met a guy who said, “Why are you inquiring of Baal-zebub when you’ve got a perfectly good God right here. Oh, and God says you’re going to die.”

Ahaziah: Who told you this?

Messengers: Hairy dude with a leather belt. We met him at this club called the Bear’s Den.

Ahaziah: It’s Elijah! You! Take your squad of 50 men  and bring him here.

Captain: Yes, sir.

The captain finds Elijah on a hill.

Captain: Oh, man of God, the king says to come down.

Elijah: If I’m a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven and kill all of you.

Fire comes down from heaven and kills them.

Captain: I am not dead yet. I am very badly burned. Please… help… I was seriously only doing my job… I wasn’t even going to kill you…Ack…

Ahaziah: Well, those guys didn’t come back. You! Take your squad of 50 men and bring him back here.

Captain: Yes, sir. Hey, Elijah, the king would really like to talk to you. Could you come on down?

Elijah: If I’m a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven and kill all of you.

Captain: Seriously?! I haven’t done anything…

Fire comes down from heaven.

Captain: I… was… one  day from retirement… was gonna get a boat… Tell my wife and kids I love them…Ack….

Ahaziah: Alright, fine. You! Go take your squad of 50 and come back with Eljiah.

Captain: Hey, uh… Elijah… I really don’t want to die. Could you please not kill us?

God: Okay, don’t kill them. Go with them.

Captain 1 and Captain 2: WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?!

Elijah: Hey, Ahaziah, because you asked questions of the wrong god, God’s going to kill you.

So Ahaziah dies without an heir and Jehoram takes the throne of Samaria, who is not to be confused with Jehoram the son of Jehoshaphat who has taken the throne in Judah.

 

Chapter 2:

Elijah knows he’s going to leave the planet, so he travels with Elisha to Gilgal and tells him to stay, but Elisha refuses. So they go on to Bethal and Elijah tells him to stay again, but Elisha refuses. Some of the prophets tell Elisha that God is going to take Elijah away today, and he tells them that he already knows and to shut up about it.

They go through this routine some more until they reach the Jordan where 50 prophets of Yahweh are hanging out and Elijah hits the Jordan with his cloak and it parts so he and Elisha walk across the river on dry ground.

Elisha asks for a favor, an inheritance from Elijah. Elijah asks him what he wants. Elisha wants twice the spirit of Elijah, maybe his devotion to Yahweh, his authority, or his power. Elijah tells him that if he sees Elijah being taken to heaven, his request will be granted.

God sends a shining chariot of fire (cue Vangelis music) to fetch Elijah and Elijah departs the world inspiring many bad pastoral theories that we’re all going to get mysteriously whisked away to heaven too. Elisha sees Elijah go and mourns him. Then he returns to the Jordan and smacks it with Elijah’s cloak and it parts for him too. Everyone there sees it and realizes that Elisha now has Elijah’s superpowers too, but they’d still like to go search for Elijah. Elisha tells them this is pointless, but lets them go waste their time.

Elisha miraculously purifies a water source with salt then he leaves. And as he leaves, some kids come out and make fun of him because he’s bald. So Elisha shrugs it off realizing that kids are going to be kids and continues on his way.

Just kidding, he totally casts Summon Bear and two bears come out of the woods and kill 42 children.

Yes, God’s prophet kills 42 children for calling him a cue ball or a chrome dome.

You can file this story under “Passages to remember when someone says that bible is pro-life.”

 

Chapter 3:

Jehoram, Ahaziah’s brother is king in Israel and reigned 12 years and he worshipped other gods, but not quite as many as Ahab and Ahaziah because he got rid of a pillar of Ba’al, but he still worshipped Jeroboam’s cow gods.

The king of Moab used to pay tribute to Ahab, but now that Ahab is dead, he decides it’s a good time to revolt. So Jehoram gets the army out and sends a message to Jehoshaphat to come and fight with him against Moab and Jehoshaphat agrees. He also brings the king of Edom along.

So they go through the wilderness of Edom and can’t find water, so Jehoram despairs and Jehoshaphat asks if they have a prophet of Yahweh they can call on to help.

Soldier: Yeah, Elisha’s here somewhere

Jehoshaphat: The Lord is with him. Go get him.

Elisha: You know, if Jehoshaphat wasn’t with you, I’d tell you to go **** yourselves, right? Anyway, I need some music to get into the prophesy groove. Get someone with a sitar and pass that bowl over here.

Okay, guys, okay… (inhales) okay, here we go… dig trenches like everywhere, man. God’s going to fill them up with water. Oh, yeah, and you’re totally going to win the battle, man. So just like sack every city and kill as many of them as you can.

So the next day, the plains around the camp are full of trenches of water and everyone drink. The Moabites wake up and see the sunrise has turned the water red, so they think there was a falling out between Judah, Israel, and Edom and run heedlessly forward to kill the survivors and loot their stuff, and they run into the armies of Israel, Edom, and Judah who kill them. So they kill them all and sack their cities and kill some more and eventually, the king of Moab finds himself besieged in his capitol surrounded by the three armies. So the king of Moab takes his first born son on to the wall of the city and sacrifices him in view of everyone and either the Moabites rally a bit and drive off Israel, Judah, and Edom or the people of Israel, Judah, and Edom see the sacrifice and say, “Dude, what the hell? That’s seriously messed up. Don’t do that… we’ll, we’ll go home and you can just start paying tribute in sheep to us again… Seriously, don’t kill any more of your kids, man… that’s just messed up…”

And everyone goes home and the war is over.

 

 

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