The TL:DR Bible: 2 Kings 4-6:23


Chapter 4:

We move from looking at a bunch of kings to focus for a few minutes on Elisha. As he’s hanging out, a widow of one of the prophets approaches him and says, “My husband is dead and a creditor is coming to take my two kids off to be slaves.”

(And I didst say, “Ah, so there were Republicans back in these days too!” I kid… I kid… sort of…)

And Elisha said, “That’s monstrous! A grave injustice against humanity! Slavery is wrong. I’ll go put the fear of God into this man!

Haha… no, just kidding.

Elisha comes up with a miracle to let the woman sell enough oil to pay off her debts.

Elisha goes to Shunem and one of the leading women of the city persuades him to stop and eat at her house. And he makes it a habit of stopping to eat at her house whenever he passes by, so that the woman decides to build him a little office on the roof of her house with a bed and a table, chair, and lantern. So Elisha asks her what she wants and she wants a son. So he promises that by this time next year, she’ll have a son.

But when he’s older, maybe 12 or 13 and he’s out with his dad harvesting the crops, he gets a sudden headache and dies. She goes to Elisha and asks him why. Elisha raises him from the dead by lying on top of his body and giving him mouth to mouth? Okay.

Then Elisha goes back to Gilgal and he tells his slave Gehazi to put out a pot and start a stew so everyone could eat. Everyone goes out and finds stuff to put into the stew, but one dumbass finds some poisonous plants and no one can eat. Elisha throws some flour into the stew and neutralizes the poison.

Lastly, a man brings some food for the prophets and Elijah multiplies it so everyone can eat and have left overs.

 

Chapter 5:

There’s this cat named Naaman who is an Aramean, and the king’s general and most badass warrior. But he’s got leprosy. He’s got an Israelite child slave that serves his wife and she says, “I wish my master would go to Samaria and find the prophet that can cure him.” So his wife tells him and he tells his king and the king sends him off with a letter to the king of Samaria with a large monetary gift.

King of Aram: Hey, this is Naaman, my best guy. Cure him of his leprosy, please.

King of Israel: Yeah, I don’t have magic powers. This guy is looking to start a war.

Elisha: I do have magic powers. Send him to me.

So Naaman came with his entourage to Elisha’s house. Elisha doesn’t even come out to meet him. He sends a messenger telling Naaman to go wash seven times in the Jordan River.

Naaman gets angry.

“I expected some sort of magic ritual or something, not to be told to go take a bath. There are cleaner rivers in Syria.”

Naaman’s slaves: Look, my lord, if the prophet had told you to go sail to an island and fetch a golden fleece or something, you would have done it. Why not go and try bathing in the Jordan seven times?

Naaman: Eh… okay, I guess you’re right.

So he washes seven times and is cured. He returns to Elisha.

Naaman: I know there is no other God now but Yahweh. Please, take my gifts for yourself.

Elisha: Do I look like some prosperity gospel hack? I’m not in this for the money. Keep your stuff.

Naaman: Okay, let me take two muleloads of dirt, so I can sacrifice to Yahweh on Israeli soil, and pray that God would pardon me one thing. Part of my duties is to go with my king to worship in the house of our god Rimmon, and I am required to bow. Ask Yahweh to pardon me in this matter.

Elisha: Dude, you’re good. Go in peace, man.

So Naaman leaves, but Elisha’s slave Gehazi sees all the stuff Elisha turned down and decides to get a piece of that for himself. He follows Naaman and lies to him that Elisha suddenly needs some of the stuff. Naaman gives it to him freely, and Gehazi returns.

Elisha: Look, I talk to God, son. Do you really think I don’t know where you were going or what you were doing? Naaman’s leprosy is now your leprosy… and your descendants will also be lepers forever?

Seriously? His kids and grandkids and great-grandkids that had nothing to do with his own sin?

 

Chapter 6:1-23

We’re sticking with Elisha.

Some of the prophets decide to build their own commune, and one of them is chopping wood and his axe head flies off the handle and lands in the water. It’s borrowed, so he’s on the hook for replacing it which he can’t afford, so Elisha throws a stick into the water, and the iron floats.

I didn’t write this stuff, folks, I’m just summarizing it.

Aram goes to war with Israel again. And the king of Aram tries to lay an ambush for the Israelite army, but Elisha warns the king of Israel about it. So the king of Aram tries to lay a different ambush, but Elisha warns the king of Israel again.

King of Aram: Okay, which one of you guys is the snitch?

Servant: None of us. Remember that prophet with magic powers that cured Naaman? That guy has magic powers and a palantir.

King of Aram: Well, what are you all standing around for? Go capture him!

So he sends out an army to Elisha’s town and surrounds it and Elisha’s new slave sees it.

Elisha’s new slave: Dude, we are so screwed.

Elisha: You haven’t been with me long, but seriously… magic powers. God show him your army.

So God reveals his army of angels and fiery horses to Elisha’s new slave.

Elisha uses Confuse on the Aramean army.

It’s super effective. Elisha goes out and tells the army they’re in the wrong city, but he’ll help them find the right city. He leads them all into Samaria, where they are surrounded by the Israelite army. Elisha removes their confusion and the Arameans see that they are screwed.

King of Israel: Should I kill these guys? I’d really like to kill these guys.

Elisha: They’re POWs, asshat. Give them food and drink.

So the king throws a feast for the Arameans and sends them on their way and the king of Aram realizes that he should probably leave Israel alone for now. At least until the next verse.

 

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