The TL:DR Bible: 2 Kings 6:24-33 – 8


Chapter 6:24-33

So the Arameans come back and besiege the city of Samaria. And pretty soon, the food stores are running so low that people are eating donkey heads and bird shit and paying a lot of money to do it. So the king is out walking on the wall, and a woman cries out to him.

“Help me, O king!” she cries.

“Lady, we’re screwed. God’s not going to help us, what makes you think I can do anything?” he said.

“My neighbor proposed that we kill and butcher my son and eat him yesterday and she’d kill and butcher her son and we’d eat him today. So we killed my boy and ate him, but now she’s gone and hidden her son!”

So the king is horrified and tears his clothes and puts on sackcloth which is like burlap and vows to kill Elisha that very day. Which, given that Elisha told him not to kill a large part of the Aramean army when they were at his mercy four verses ago kind of makes sense.

But Elisha is all, “That son of a murderer is going to kill me for no reason. Block the door.”

So they hold the door until the king himself arrives, and Elisha lets him in.

King: I’ve waited for the Lord to deliver us. Why should I wait any longer?”

 

Chapter 7:

Elisha: Tomorrow the siege will be lifted and food will be plentiful and cheap.

Officer: Right. How’s God going to do that? Open a door in the heavens and rain food on us?

Elisha: Oh, you’re going to see it, but because you had a doubt, God’s going to kill you.

Which… again… seems a bit harsh there, Lord.

So there were four lepers hanging around the city gate, and they realize they’re probably going to die. Their prospects for survival are slim. So they decide to give themselves up to the Arameans and whatever happens happens.

But they found the Aramean camp empty, because the Arameans had heard something in the night that spooked them and caused them to flee in panic leaving everything behind. So the lepers go into one tent, eat, drink, and loot it. Then do the same to the next tent.

But they realize they need to share this information with everyone, so they do. They tell a city guard and the information makes its way up to the king. The king suspects an ambush, but they send out a small scouting party and find out that it’s true.

So everyone still alive goes out to plunder the food and drink and money from the tents and the officer who dared to have a doubt about a miraculous delivery gets trampled by the mob and dies. And thus everyone ate and drank and God delivered the people of Samaria from the siege and everyone was happy.

Well, except those that died. And that one lady that ate her son. Probably a lot of people mourning the dead. And the children that would suffer the effects of prolonged malnutrition, but, you know… other than those people…

 

Chapter 8:

Elisha tells the Shunammite woman to leave her home and go travel because famine is coming that will last seven years. So she packs up her stuff and goes to the land of the Philistines for seven years and returns. Apparently, squatters had now taken over her house and farm, so she appeals to the king of Israel for justice. After being informed of everything Elisha had done for her, the king agrees to restore her lands and make sure she gets the profits and crops that were harvested while she was gone.

Ben-hadad gets sick and sends a trusted lieutenant Hazael to go see Elisha and inquire if he will recover. Hazael goes and meets the prophet.

Hazael: Ben-hadad would like to know if he will recover.

Elisha: Go and tell him that he will live. But he’s going to die.

Elisha stares at Hazael until the latter is uncomfortable, and then Elisha starts to sob.

Hazael: Why are you crying?

Elisha: I’ve seen you become king of Aram and war with Israel and kill men, women, children, and infants. But I’m not going to tell you not to do that or try to stop you in any way. I mean, I did summon a bear to kill some kids myself, so probably doesn’t bother me all that much, really…

So Hazael goes back to Ben-hadad and tells him that Elisha said he would recover, and then to help Elisha’s prophesy come true, Hazael smothers Ben-hadad with a wet towel and takes the throne.

Meanwhile, back in Judah, Jehoram takes the throne there and turns out to be a douchebag. The Edomites revolt and become independent. So Jehoram dies and his son Ahaziah takes his place on the throne of Judah and he’s a douchebag.

And Ahaziah becomes BFFs with Joram king of Israel and they go and fight Hazael together, but Joram is wounded and withdraws to recover and Ahaziah goes to visit him.

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