The TL:DR Bible: 2 Kings 12-14


Chapter 12:

So boy king Joash is sitting on the throne of Judah and surprise, the priestly author of the book says that he did almost everything right so long as he obeys his high priest advisor.

He orders that the temple be rebuilt and tells the priests to gather money from their brothers and friends and fix any damage to the Temple. The priests, as most priests are wont to do, are happy to take the money, but they don’t quite get around to actually fixing the Temple. So the king asks for an explanation and when they don’t have one, tells them to stop taking money from the people.

But Jehoiada decides that maybe they should take money from the people anyway, so he puts a box in the temple and all the money that comes in goes into it and they pay the workers to fix the joint up out of that.

The money that was collected earlier mysteriously disappears, of course.

And the priests don’t keep any records of payments they make to the workers… because the workers ‘were faithful’. Sure, that explains it. I’m sure a few hands dipping into the collection box didn’t have anything to do with the lack of accounting.

Hazael tries to attack Jerusalem, but Joash gives him treasure to go away, and he does.

And then Joash is assassinated and his son Amaziah takes his place.

 

Chapter 13:

So Jehoahaz is king in Israel and surprise, he’s a douche. So God punishes him by letting the Arameans ravage his land and drive some of the Israelites to live a nomadic life again. But he prays and God decides to help him out and sends a deliverer to help. But they kept worshipping the cow god and also the local fertility goddess because sex orgies probably sounded a lot better than travelling to Jerusalem to kill some animals.

And then Jehoahaz dies, and his son Jehoash becomes king of Israel, but he apparently didn’t do anything noteworthy, so he dies and his son Jeroboam becomes king.

While Jehoahaz was still king, Elisha gets sick and calls the king to visit him. The king at least pretends to be upset, so Elisha tells him to go fire some arrows into the ground as a symbol of coming victory over the Arameans. So the king shoots three arrows and Elisha is upset and says he should have fired five or six arrows into the ground and he would have utterly destroyed the Arameans, and maybe it would have been nice to have told the king that BEFORE he started shooting arrows, you dick.

So Elisha dies and they put him into a hole in the ground, and as they are burying someone else, the grave diggers see some Moabite raiders on the horizon and throw the body into Elisha’s grave and the “dead” guy comes to and stands up.

So Hazael, king of Aram dies and his son Ben-hadad comes to power, and Jehoahaz fights some wars with him and wins three times.

 

Chapter 14:

Back in Judah, Amaziah reigns and he makes the cult of Yahweh happy, but he doesn’t get rid of the high places where the people (like Samuel) were sacrificing and burning incense.  And he kills the assassins of his father. And he wars against the Edomites and captures a city.

But he gets a bit prideful and decides he can take Israel back by force too, so he faces off against Jehoash and they trash talk each other a bit. And they fight and Amaziah loses the battle and is captured, so Jehoash loots Jerusalem and takes some hostages, and he made some people angry, so they assassinated him, and his son Azariah takes the throne.

And in Israel, Jeroboam the Second keeps worshipping idols, so the cult of Yahweh was not happy with him, but he did win a series of military victories that extended the borders of Israel.  This was attributed to God being merciful to Israel.

Then Jeroboam II dies and his son Zachariah takes over and I can guess that he’ll do evil in the sight of the Lord without turning the page to the next chapter.

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