The TL:DR Bible: 1 Chronicles 16-20


Chapter 16:

David has pitched a tent for the ark.

No, a literal tent, you perverts.

And they kill lots of animals, and David hands out food to everyone to celebrate, and they’ve got a live band and they just have a big ol’ party.

And David sings a song,

“God is cool. Everyone worship God. God chose Israel to be His people. God gave us His Law. God defends us against our enemies. Yea, God.”

Probably sounds better in the original Hebrew.

So David says, “Hey, Asaph, you and your family seem cool. Do you guys want to stop farming and herding and just like take care of this box for us and we’ll pay you and give you food?”

Asaph: I suddenly feel a great religious conviction, your Higness.

David: Great. Good party, everyone. I think the animal killing really made God happy. Let’s all head home and sleep this one off.

So they do.

 

Chapter 17:

We revisit the story of how David wants to build the Temple for God, but God says, “No, you’ve got way too much blood on your hands, but I appreciate the thought, so I’m going to establish your house forever*”

(*Terms and conditions apply. Like if you kids turn out to be total jackasses, God reserves the right to forfeit this contract and depose them and send the lot of them off to Babylon.)

David doesn’t’ read the terms and conditions, but thanks God for the blessing.

 

Chapter 18:

David wins a lot of wars and gets a lot of loot.

Other kings bring David loot because they’re happy he killed their enemies. David enslaves some of the neighbors because slavery is totes cool with God.

 

Chapter 19:

You remember that weird story where David sends some envoys to a new king to say how sorry he was that that guy’s dad just died, and the new king shaves the envoys and sends them away with their butts exposed?

Yeah, that happens again.

David goes to war with new king and defeats him and a lot of people die because their leader was stupid, and thank goodness we don’t choose stupid leaders for ourselves anymore…

I’ll just be over here banging my head against the wall.

 

Chapter 20:

More battles. More people die.

The only point of interest here is that the author of Chronicles apparently saw the error in Samuel where David and Elhanan were both credited with killing Goliath of Gath, so the author of Chronicles invents a brother for Goliath to try and resolve the dispute.

Poor Elhanan. Dude kills a giant and everyone tries to attribute the deed to David.

I guess the story of Elhanan and Goliath just doesn’t sound as good to the ear.

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