The TL:DR Bible: 2 Chronicles 9-13


Chapter 9:

The Queen of Sheba (Ethiopia) comes to Solomon and brings gifts. She has some meetings with him asking him questions and talking about stuff and declares that he’s the wisest man who ever lived and how reports of how great he was were severely understated.

Solomon is apparently a little smitten with her and gives her anything she wants.

Solomon is very rich and he goes full Trump on decorating the Temple and his palace.

He has a lot of chariots and horses and controls a territory from Iraq to Egypt, though I think that may be an overstatement.

The author leaves out Solomon’s apostasy and jumps straight to his death.

 

Chapter 10:

So Rehoboam takes the throne.

People: Hey, dude, your dad was kind of a dick with the slavery and forced labor and high taxes. Could you be less of a dick?

Rehoboam: You think my dad was a dick, check this baby out! Wooooo!

People: Screw you, we’re going home.

So Israel rebels and the king sends the guy in charge of slavery to convince them otherwise, but the Israelites pelt him with big heavy rocks until he dies.

So the king flees to Jerusalem, Israel splits off into its own doomed kingdom, and everyone lives unhappily ever after.

 

Chapter 11:

God prevents war between Judah and Israel.

Rehoboam builds a bunch of cities, probably with forced labor (slaves) and builds up the military. The priests side with Rehoboam and leave Israel, so Jeroboam starts the cult of the cow god and calls it Yahweh too. But the true followers of Yahweh in Israel, continue to go to Jerusalem, but only for a few years.

Rehoboam marries a few of his cousins and has a harem of sex slaves and manages his house wisely in that he appoints his heir early and buys off the other sons with estates and money, so there wouldn’t be coup attempts or assassination plots.

Chapter 12:

So Egypt comes up to invade Israel, and a prophet of Yahweh tells the king that it’s because they have forsaken the Lord.

Rehoboam and the leaders say, “Yeah, sorry, I guess we deserve this.”

God: Okay, I won’t kill you all, I’ll just let the Egyptians make you their slaves again to teach you a lesson.

So the Egyptians conquer Judah and take all their stuff.  And despite God’s earlier intervention, Judah and Israel war constantly with each other.

And Rehoboam dies and Abijah becomes king. And you can read more about Rehoboam in the book written by the prophet Iddo, except you can’t because it no longer exists.

 

Chapter 13:

Abijah fights a war with Judah and starts to lose, but then he calls upon the name the Lord and God lets him win the battle and kill half a million of his fellow Jews.

I don’t know what lesson we’re supposed to take away from this… God will give the power to kill half a million people too if you ask him really nicely?

So Jeroboam, the king of Israel dies and Abijah becomes powerful and has a harem and if you want to read more, the word of the omniscient Deity would like you to check out the chronicles of Iddo which no longer exist to us.

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