The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 1-10

Well, trying to summarize 150 ancient Hebrew songs should be a hoot.


Chapter 1:

Hey, remember how Job’s friends said that the righteous would be blessed and the wicked would be punished, and then God came along and said they were wrong?

Yeah, this song disagrees with God.

Also, if you’re delighting in the Law of the Lord, you probably haven’t actually read it. Or at least you skipped the 1,000 chapters on building a tent and the various ways God wants animals killed.


Chapter 2:

A bunch of subject nations start to think about rebelling against David and therefore Yahweh, and David writes that God is laughing at the would-be rebels and will crush them because God has installed him as king on Zion and will give him anything he wants.

You could also read this as some futuristic prophetic tale of a bunch of nations deciding to rebel against Jesus, in which case, Jesus comes off as a tyrant ready to slaughter anyone who looks at him funny.


Chapter 3:

David is running away from Absalom and he writes a song lamenting how many enemies have risen up against him and expresses his confidence that God will protect him and crush his enemies.


Chapter 4:

Answer me when I call, God.

Hey, people, how long are you going to suck.

God keeps the godly man for Himself

Stop sinning and do good.

If you’re miserable, God will make you happy and peaceful.


Chapter 5:

Hey, God, could you help me out, please? I’m crying out to you every morning.

You’re not evil and you don’t like evil. You’re totally going to crush the guilty, but you’ll save me because you love me. So help me to stay good. My enemies are total dicks, so please judge them.

But seriously, since I’m taking refuge in you, bless and keep me. Amen.


Chapter 6:

David’s pretty morose and miserable as he cries to God to forgive him for something. Probably not the many acts of genocide though.

He asks pardon from God and says he’s miserable and then tells the rest of the wicked to sod off because God hears his crying and will beat the tar out of them.


Chapter 7:

David cries to God again because of some asshole named Cush the Benjamite this time. Cush apparently did something horrible to David, so David says he trusts God to protect and preserve him.

David says if he’s guilty, then God can let Cush totally kill him.

But then he calls out to God to totally kill Cush and the rest of David’s adversaries and says that God is angry every day. No Jesus meek and mild for warrior king David. God is super pissed and ready to start smiting.

David lastly says that Cush is going to die of ironic punishment and then gives thanks to God for being so good to him.


Chapter 8:

The universe is vast, infinite, and terrifying. Man is a small speck of dust on a small speck of dust circling a tiny hydrogen-helium fusion reactor in the midst of one galaxy among trillions. So why does God care so much for humans? David doesn’t know, but he’s grateful that God does.


Chapter 9:

Once again David is miserable and writes a song asking God to smite his enemies and make him happy again.


Chapter 10:

God doesn’t seem to be around much, does He? Like seriously, things are going to hell in a handbasket, where is God?

There are lots of assholes out there plotting and doing evil. Hurting people. They think they are safe and will always prosper, and they seem to be right.

So how about doing something about that now, God? Save the afflicted and oppressed. Destroy the evil doer and break their arms. Utterly annihilate them.

You’re king, so you will hear the cries of the distressed and the least of these and put a stop to man’s evil in the world.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s