The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 11-20


Chapter 11:

David trusts in God even though everything seems like crap. He believes the Lord is in the temple and in heaven watching over the Earth and that the Lord will repay the wicked and save the righteous.

Again…. Someone hasn’t been paying attention to the news.

 

Chapter 12:

Everything is going to hell, so help us, God.

David asks God to cut off the lips and tongues of the wicked. You know, you just don’t hear enough praise songs these days about cutting off body parts.

God decides to finally get up off His throne and do something about the oppression of the poor and the needy.

And David praises the words of the Lord again. Have you even read Leviticus, man?

 

Chapter 13:

David wonders where the hell God is since his life sucks, but expresses his trust that God is somewhere watching over him.

 

Chapter 14:

A praise song about how evil and stupid atheists are. Probably not one to sing if you’re at an emerging church.

 

Chapter 15:

If you want to live with God one day, you’ve got to be upright, righteous, honest, faithful, trustworthy, brave, clean, and reverent.

So go join the scouts now.

 

Chapter 16:

Once again, David writes another song about how he’ll trust in God despite all the crap that life flings at him.

This time he adds that idolaters suck and will suffer.

And a bit at the end about God not leaving his soul in the grave or allowing his flesh to rot, which Christians now take as a Messianic prophesy about Jesus.

And in the presence of God there is joy and pleasure forever.

So heaven is probably nothing at all like a church service.

 

Chapter 17:

David sits down again and writes another song about God helping him out and crushing his enemies. Come on, David… maybe try writing a song about a girl next time?

 

Chapter 18:

Okay this one is totally different. Normally David writes songs asking God to help him and crush his enemies. This time David THANKS God for helping him and crushing his enemies.

 

Chapter 19:

Look around at nature and you will see God. No… no, not at those sheep humping… No, don’t look at the wolf tearing out the intestines of that other sheep…. Okay, why don’t you just look up? Look at those stars. God made those, okay? Those giant fiery balls of death hurdling through the incomprehensible void at tens of thousands of miles per second.

The law of God is perfect. So repeal that 13th amendment, folks.

Who knows what darkness lurks in the hearts of men?

shadow

This guy.

Oh, and help me not to say or think naughty things, O Lord.

 

Chapter 20:

For a totally different change of pace, David writes a song hoping that God helps US out and, well, there’s nothing in there about God crushing our enemies… so, I guess David is the only one that gets to wish for hot fiery death upon people he doesn’t like.

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