The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 21-30

Psalm 21:

David is really happy that God has given him everything he’s wanted and looks forward to God incinerating the wicked in a great fire one day. Hallelujah, I guess.


Psalm 22:

This is the psalm that Jesus references from the cross according to the Synoptic gospel accounts. It’s either a prophetic psalm or it’s a psalm the gospel writers were very familiar with when they were writing their account.

David asks God why He has forsaken David. David prays really hard, but gets nothing. He recounts how despised he is by men, how men mock him. He cries out to God that his strength is gone, that his heart has melted, that evildoers have harmed him and steal his stuff.

And he ends with a cry that God would save him one more time, so he can come back to the people and let them know how great God is for delivering him, which doesn’t really gel with the prophetic interpretation because Jesus kept hanging on the cross until He died.


Chapter 23:

The Lord is my shepherd. Most of you could probably quote the rest.

I don’t usually edit these, but I just remembered an anecdote from the church I used to go to. When they taught on this, they mentioned that the staff of the shepherd was crooked so he could use it to wrangle sheep or lift up a sheep that had gotten into a predicament.

And they also taught that the rod was something the shepherd would use to break the legs of the sheep if it kept wandering off.

The implication, of course, being that if you miserable Christians kept sinning, God was going to beat the holy shit out of you, because He loves you.

If that’s not an abusive relationship, I don’t know what is.


Chapter 24:

The Earth and everything in it is the Lord’s, because He created it.

Only Boy Scouts go to heaven.

Open up the city so the Lord can enter it.


Chapter 25:

David is, once again, singing to God and asking Him to help David out of a jam. David asks for forgiveness for his sins and praises God for being patient and teaching sinners what they should do. And David wraps up this song with more pleading for deliverance from whatever mess he’s gotten himself into this time.


Chapter 26:

“Uh, Lord?”

“What is it?”

“It’s David again.”

“Ugh… what does that jackass want now?”

“He’s asking you to deliver him from another problem…”

“What? I just cleaned up that mess! It’s been five minutes… FIVE MINUTES! What could he possibly have gotten into in the five minutes it’s been since the LAST time I delivered him? Huh?”

“There’s a pickle jar that he can’t get open.”

“Oh, Me damn it!”


Chapter 27:

“I really love God because he takes care of me and gives me stuff… La la la la la… I will keep worshipping Him. Please keep taking care of me and giving me stuff. La la la la la…


Chapter 28:

Hey, it’s David again… he’s in trouble. Again. Asking God to help him. Again

In completely unrelated news, God invents Caller ID  and the answering machine.


Chapter 29:

God is in the storm and the wind.

(He’d like to say He’s really, really sorry to all of the victims of the latest tornadoes.)


Chapter 30:

David’s really happy again that God didn’t let people kill him and instead made him king and gave him lots of shit. Amen.


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