The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 31-40

Chapter 31: or if this were Proverbs, we’d be done by now.

David: “Hey, God. It’s me. David. Could you-“

God: “Help you out and kill, maim and torture your enemies forever?”

David: “…”

God: “You know about 3/4ths of your songs have been about this. Maybe you should try and write a nice pop ballad about that Abigail girl.”

David: “Which one was she? I’ve got like 100 wives…”

God: “Stop calling this number.”


Chapter 32:

David: “It feels really good to be forgiven for killing one of my friends and raping his wife. When I tried to hide my sin, I felt really guilty and condemned, but once a prophet exposed my sin and God killed my son and I otherwise wasn’t punished, it’s pretty cool. Plus, I still get to shag Bathsheba, but like, legally now. God’s pretty great.”


Chapter 33:

We should praise God because He created the universe and is sovereign over the nations. He watches us and will help those who love Him.


Chapter 34:

David has just finished pretending to be insane to escape the Philistines while he was on the run from Saul. So he stops and writes a song thanking God for preserving his life. Despite Saul being cozy in a palace and king of Israel and David being a homeless outlaw on the run, David says that the best way to a good life is to be a good person and trust in the Lord.


Chapter 35:

David: “Hey, God. It’s me, David.”

God: “How… I just changed my number. How did you get this number?”

David: “I texted Gabriel.”

God: I am so going to change him into a four-headed, six winged thing with eyeballs everywhere.

David: Haha… yeah. Anyway, could you deliver me and smite my enemies again? I was totes cool to them, bro, but now that I’m having issues, they’re all laughing and plotting against me.

God: Will it- If I do this, will it get you to hang up and stop bothering me?

David: Sure. I’ll even sing your praises in the sanctuary.

God: Yeah, yeah, whatever. You go sing. I’ll deliver you. Hang up now.


Chapter 36:

People are scum.

God is love.


Chapter 37:

Don’t be jealous of the wicked because any day now, they’ll come to ruin. Any day now… Trust in the Lord anyway. He’ll really bless you and if it doesn’t seem like he’s blessing you, just wait for it. Wait for it. God is totally going to bless you and smite the wicked. Even if it doesn’t seem like it’s happening and you’re dying and that asshole is making more money and causing pain and misery to millions of innocent people.

Any day now…


Chapter 38:

David: Hi, God.

God: Not again…

David: No, I’m not here to complain about my enemies. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. You know… for the murders and rape and all that. I feel really bad about it. It’s making me sick.

God: Oh, well… that… that’s very enlightened of you, David. I think you might be grow-“

David: But while I’m on the phone with you, let me tell you about how bad my enemies are.

God: (quietly weeps)


Chapter 39:

David: Hey, God.


David: I just realized that I’m going to die one day. I mean… maybe 80-90 years and then we’re gone. Forever.

God: Oh. Well, that’s true. I’ve made your lives quite short.

David: Help me to remember that, and forgive my sins. And please deliver me from my current troubles which are probably from you because of my sins. Stop watching me, so I can get some peace and quiet because I’ll be dead soon.

God: Stop bothering you?! Sigh… GABRIEL? HAVE I INVENTED THE RESTRAINING ORDER YET? No? Crap… I need to get on that. Cancel my 3 o’clock performance review with Satan.


Chapter 40:

David: God delivered me from my troubles and made me secure.

God: And yet you’ll still be calling me next Tuesday to do it again, won’t you?

David: It’s great to trust in the Lord. God thinks of us often and this thoughts of us are too many to count.

God: Because you keep calling me.

David: For God does not want empty religious ceremony or piety. God wants us to do what is right.

God: Wait… yes… that’s it! You’ve gotten it!

David: So I will sing of God’s goodness, righteousness, faithfulness, and love.

God: That’s not really necessary. Go back to the ‘God wants us to do what is right’ part.

David: Surely God will deliver me again.

God: You just said I already delivered you. How could you possibly be in more trouble already?

David: Many evils have overtaken me. Let those who seek my harm be dishonored, ashamed, and humiliated like the vermin they are. But God’s totally going to help me.

God: And you’ve lost it…


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