The TL:DR Bible – Psalms 41-50


Chapter 41:

“How blessed is he who considers the helpless;”

Yikes. Better cross that part out because that can’t apply to Christians because… reasons.

David goes on to confess his sins and ask God to do bad things to his enemies, but to be merciful and kind to him.

Yeah, that’s more fitting for American Christianity.

 

Chapter 42:

The sons of Korah… wait, didn’t Korah and all his kids get swallowed up into the Earth because they dared to challenge Moses’ authoritarian leadership? Is this a prequel psalm? Because prequels always suck.

Okay, the dead sons of Korah long for God. They ask when they’ll appear before God. (Spoiler: About two seconds after God causes the Earth to split open under your feet and you plummet to your deaths because your dad got involved in politics.)

The ghosts of Korah’s sons are unhappy and depressed and want to go to church… which is the last place I want to go when I’m depressed, but whatever works for you dead dudes.

They say, “Hey, God, where are you?” Their enemies say, “Hey, God, where are you?”

That seems to be a pretty common question in the bible.

But the sons of Korah will have faith in God right up until God kills them by throwing them into a pit.

 

Chapter 43:

“Life sucks. Hey, God… why don’t you make life suck less for me?,” says the Psalmist. “Why am I depressed? I’ll just hope really hard that God will do something.”

 

Chapter 44:

More from the sons of Korah. But sadly, I don’t think they’re the dead sons of Korah. This Psalm seems to be set pretty much somewhere in the Joshua-Kings timeline. Maybe one of Korah’s kids dug their way out of God’s pit.

Hey, God, we remember the stories our dads used to tell about how you let us kill and slaughter all the men, women, and children of Canaan. Those were cool times. Could you maybe do that again for us because right now we’re getting our asses handed to us, but we still believe in you. So please wake up and help us, maybe?

 

Chapter 45:

Christian translations tend to assume that this is a messianic prophesy and use words accordingly. Would you be surprised that Jewish translations do not view this as a messianic psalm? Probably not.

Seems like the sons of Korah are singing about a king maybe at a wedding or maybe just because he’s doing a great job.

The king is awesome and good at war. He’s the best looking. The best. Not at all like the common rabble. His throne will be forever and ever, so God has blessed him and he’s got the best stuff. Palaces of ivory. Gold everywhere.

They urge the new bride to forget her people and her father’s house and get on board with making the great king happy and then she’s decked out in splendor and they’re going to have lots of kids who will rule over the Earth.

 

Chapter 46:

The sons of Korah would like to let you know that God is in control, so if there’s another earthquake and the ground threatens to swallow them up again, they’re pretty sure that God has their back this time.

 

Chapter 47:

The sons of Korah would like you to know that their God is better than everyone else’s God because He’s letting them kick the butts of their enemies. God is surely in control.

 

Chapter 48:

Jerusalem’s a pretty great city, isn’t it? God totally lives here. Okay, God lives everywhere, but He’s really partial to Jerusalem, which is our city. So yea!

 

Chapter 49:

The sons of Korah: “Alright, listen up everyone. We’ve got some wisdom to lay down. Money isn’t everything because you can’t buy what’s really important with it and you can’t take it with you. So don’t worry if a jackass becomes a billionaire, because he’s going to die too and leave it all behind to his… jackass… kids who will probably keep being jackasses… so yeah… there.

 

Chapter 50:

God: Hey, guys, God here. I make the sun rise every day. Well, I don’t… the Earth’s rotation on its axis does that, but look, beside the point… let’s just say I make the sun rise. So guys, I’m not mad that you keep killing a bunch of animals, but I want you to kill them for the right reason. I mean, technically, they’re already my animals since I made them, but whatever…. Just kill them to show me that you’re grateful for all the things I’ve done for you.

Also, I’ve noticed that some of you are greedy jerks who lie, cheat, swindle, defame and you assume that I’m just like you. Well, I’m not. You suck and you’re going to be hearing from me soon… again… when I come to tear you into pieces.

But happy thankful animal killers? You guys are great. I’ll totally save you.

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