The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 51-60


Chapter 51:

David: Hey, God, totally sorry about the rape and murder thing. Could you be gracious to me and blot out my transgressions. I mean, you’re the only one I’ve sinned against…

Bathsheba: Hey, right here.

Ghost of Uriah: Uh.. me too.

David: Against You and You only have I sinned, so please forgive me. I’m scum, but you can make me better and then I can tell everyone how awesome you are. Now, I know the law says that I should die, but maybe You can waive that for me.

Now I realize you don’t need animal killing, just a humble heart, which I totally have. Now.

So bless us all. Amen. Okay, now everyone forget that whole rape and murder thing because I’m good with God now, okay?

 

Chapter 52:

David writes a song about Doeg, the guy who snitched him out to Saul.

“You suck and God’s going to destroy you for your sins, but God is totally going to bless me.”

In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to put this song after Psalm 51.

 

Chapter 53:

Atheists suck and are horrible, corrupt, evil people and God will destroy them. Isn’t that lovely?

 

Chapter 54:

David: Hey, God. Save me.

God: No.

David: Come on, I have a frequent savior’s club card. You owe me one free save.

God: I told Michael it was a bad idea to hand those out.

 

Chapter 55:

David: Hey, God, it’s…

God: I KNOW. I’M OMNISCIENT.

David: Right, so could you sa-

God: SAVE YOU FROM YOUR ENEMIES?

David: Actually, it’s from my best friend… who is now my enemy… maybe because of the whole rape and murder thing that we’re not going to mention because presto-chango forgiveness.

God: Sigh… I really should have come up with some better rules on forgiveness.

 

Chapter 56:

David: Oh, God, save me.

God: You know, just because you swap a few of the words around, doesn’t make it a new song.

David: My enemies draw near, but I trust in You.

God: It’s the same song as the last 50, David.

David: You take account of my sufferings. I will not be afraid.

God: That looks like a few hundred armed Philistines closing in on you. You probably should be afraid.

David: For you will deliver me!

God: No, I won’t.

Michael: Lord, you did promise to make him King of Israel.

God: AAAAAAAAGHHHHH…. FINE!

 

Chapter 57:

David: Hey, God, deliver me.

God: What is it now?

David: Saul is chasing me again. He’s trying to kill me.

God: Oh… yeah… Saul. I remember him. Handsome guy. Super cute. Never called me. Gabriel? Why did I get rid of Saul?

Gabriel: He didn’t genocide good enough, O, Lord. So you sent a demon to torture him day and night and gave the kingdom to David.

God: Oh, right… right… Is there any way to take that back?

Gabriel: You’re infallible, so no.

God: Damn… okay, David, let me save you for the 1,000th time.

David: Yea! God!

 

Chapter 58:

David: Man, these judges suck. They are totally corrupt. I told them I thought she was 14. Geez… what total assholes. Hey, God, could you smash their teeth in for me? Oh, or let all their arrows fly off course so they can’t hunt and they starve? Or just melt them like that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Because all of us righteous people would be so happy to see that, we’d all say, “Yea! God!”

Nathan: Or we might say, “Hey, what do you know? God actually judged an evil asshole. That’s weird. Normally, nothing happens and they keep getting to reign in Jerusalem for a few more decades after they rape and murder someone.”

David: I told God I was sorry, man. Geez, let it go, would you?

 

Chapter 59:

Oh, this is the song from when Saul sent men to watch David’s house because he was going to kill him. So David stops to write a song about it.

You know how I know David is gay? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

No, aside from Jonathan stripping naked in front of him in his bedroom.

No, aside from David saying that the love of Jonathan was better than the love of any woman.

No, it’s because David’s life is a damned Broadway musical where he breaks into song every 5 seconds.

Anyway, David once again says, “Save me, God! There are people coming to kill me! Blah blah blah…”

 

Chapter 60:

David: O, Lord, we lost a battle! You have rejected us! Oh! The pain! The horror! Who will fight for us now? Whoooooooooooooo?

God: Okay, you don’t have to be a drama queen about it. I’ll help you out and let you kill those guys over there. Geez. Guy can’t get one day off. Just one day… Zeus gets a day off. He’s taking macramé classes. But Yahweh steps away for one tango lesson and it’s all “We need you!” and “Ow! Ow! They’re stabbing me…” Geez.

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