The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 61-70


Chapter 61:

David: Hear my cry, O Lord, please listen to me. When I am weak, I will call upon you, because you’ve helped me out and been my strength in difficult times. Let me take refuge in you. You have heard me and will bless me with strength and longevity, so I will sing to you and give you all that I have promised you.

 

Chapter 62:

David: Life sucks again, so I trust in God. I’ve got enemies. They hate me. Yada yada yada… God will take care of it and repay every man according to his deeds.

 

Chapter 63:

David: I don’t feel you here, God. I wish you were here. I’ve seen your greatness and you have been my help. My enemies surround me, but I will rejoice in you.

 

Chapter 64:

David: Hey, God. I’ve got enemies.

God: No kidding. Being a Bronze Age warlord will do that, you know?

David: But everyone’s against me! Can you please shoot arrows at them?

God: You mean like Saul did to you with the spears?

David: Exactly, like Saul did to me with the- hey!

 

Chapter 65:

David: God blessed mankind with a wonderful world, with rains, with harvests, with pastures and streams of water. God is good.

 

Chapter 66:

David: Everyone praise God! We were in a bad spot, but then God delivered us, so let’s all kill some animals.

 

Chapter 67:

Hey, God, it would be super cool if you could bless us and show us your favor, so that everyone in the world would believe in you and praise you and we would know you and honor you.

God: Ew…. Sorry, man… I can’t… for reasons…

 

Chapter 68:

David: Let God come and smash His enemies with fire. Let the righteous rejoice.

God cares for the widows and orphans. He shelters the lonely and liberates the prisoners.

God made the mountains shake and brought the storms. Armies will flee before Him.

God owns that mountain over there, and has a really huge army.

Praise be to God who delivers us. Amen.

The enemies have seen your parade, God. The parade of kings, musicians, princes, and priests.

If you keep blessing us and delivering us, Gentile kings will come to your Temple to honor you with gifts.

Everyone praise the Lord.

 

Chapter 69:

David goes on for 36 verses telling God how miserable he is thanks to his enemies, how horrid his enemies are, and begging God for help and painful judgment upon his enemies.

I should probably just copy that to the clipboard, because I still have 81 of these things to go and I think I’ll be repeating that comment at least another 50 times.

 

Chapter 70:

Oh, hey, look, it David again. He’s in trouble and wants God to do horrible things to enemies, while David sings praise songs.

David: Your holiness surrounds me…

David’s Enemy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Why is God doing this to me? I simply said I thought that a representative democratic republic with a strong barrier between Temple and State would be better than a theocratic monarchy.

God: He has a point, you know.

David: Never mind that. Use the extra dull needles this time, O, Lord!

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