The TL:DR Bible – Psalms 71-80

Chapter 71:

Deliver me, O Lord. I take refuge in you. I’ve got enemies. So help me out and don’t let people say you have forsaken me now that I’m old.


Chapter 72:

Solomon: Grant me wisdom so that I can govern well, O Lord. So I can rule justly and take care of the poor, the oppressed, the widows, the orphans, and the needy.

Me: Well, hey, that actually sounds good.

Solomon: Let people fear you. Let me rule over all the world and let my enemies lick the dust from my feet.

Me: And there’s the Solomon I know…

Solomon: I’m going to help the poor, the needy, the oppressed.

Me: Good.

Solomon: And let me have lots of gold.

Me: Bad.

Solomon: Let us have lots of food too. And we praise you O, Lord. Also, this was totally my dad’s song about how wonderful I am and not at all my own song.

Me: You’re not fooling anyone, Solomon.


Chapter 73:

Asaph: Hey, guys, ever notice how evil assholes are successful and rich and God doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it. Almost like there isn’t a God at all? Or at least not a benevolent and just God… Yeah, me too. But then I went to church and, uh, I guess God will take care of them eventually… any second now… any second now… any second…


Chapter 74:

Asaph: Hey, God, the enemies are burning everything so when are you going to save us? You’re the king of the gods. The God who tamed the sea and slew the chaos monster god Leviathan. So please remember how these jerks who are killing us are reviling Your name and do something, please.


Chapter 75:

Things are going well now and God has judged or is judging the guilty, so Asaph says, “Way to go, Big Guy!”
Chapter 76:

Israel is still doing pretty well in its wars, so Asaph says, “You’re awesome, Yahweh!”


Chapter 77:

Looks like things have taken a turn for the worse, because Asaph is back to begging God to do something because life sucks and there is chaos all around. But Asaph maintains his faith by thinking back about the good times when God totally crushed their enemies before them.


Chapter 78:

Asaph: Listen up, everyone. Remember how God delivered us out of slavery in Egypt? And He totally killed everyone and everything in Egypt except us? That was cool. Yeah. Oh, and then He led our ancestors out into the wilderness and they were whining and complaining because they didn’t have water, so God gave them water from a rock. That was cool too. But then they were still whiny little bitches because they didn’t have food. So God gave them manna and quail, but then He decided to teach them a lesson, so He killed a lot of them? But then He led them to Canaan and helped us kill all the Canaanites, but then He got mad because we started seeing other gods? So He started killing more of us? But now, we have a king named David who will make everything cool again and maybe not so many of us will keep dying.


Chapter 79:

Asaph: Okay, so the monarchy didn’t turn out well. The heathen have sacked Jerusalem and the Temple, and it’s probably our fault because we didn’t worship God good enough, so “Hi, God… any chance you could maybe have mercy on us and let us stop our enemies this time? No… okay, then.”


Chapter 80:

“This is God, leave a message. Unless it’s David, in which case, have you considered maybe Ba’al as your deity? Or maybe Moloch? He’s a good choice, especially if you have any worthless sons lying about your palace maybe plotting to rape their sister or murder their brother and lead a coup against you.”

“Oh, hi… hi, God, it’s me… uh, Asaph? Yeah, I was just wondering… like I know we were out seeing other gods, so you got mad at us, but we’d really like to make it work this time, and we were wondering how long you’re going to make us sit out here in the cold suffering while our enemies are laughing at us? Maybe you could come and see how pitiful we look and take us back this one more time? Please? Okay… we’ll hopefully see you soon.”



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