The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 81-90


Chapter 81:

Asaph: Everyone praise the Lord because He has commanded us to do it.

God: Hey, remember when I rescued you from Egypt? And then I fed and gave you water for forty years? And I told you not to worship other gods. But you guys were jerks and worshipped other gods, and now you guys are suffering my wrath? Baby, if you just come back and stop seeing those other guys, I’ll totally stop hitting you and make you happy again.

 

Chapter 82:

God holds court. “Do justly. Right the injustices of the afflicted and poor. Deliver the oppressed from the hand of the oppressors.” But no one listens. So even angels will be judged like men. The mighty will be brought down at the judgment of God.

 

Chapter 83:

Asaph: Hey, God, everyone hates the Jews and wants to kill us and take our land. Could you please kill those assholes? Okay? Thanks.

 

Chapter 84:

Hey, it’s the zombie sons of Korah again: “Your temple is pretty, Lord. With the gold and bronze and rivers of blood, piles of viscera, and the smoke of burning meat. We’re pretty blessed to have you as our God, please don’t cause the Earth to swallow us again, okay? It sure is great to be at the Temple worshipping God, right?”

 

Chapter 85:

Sons of Korah: Hey, we’re losing battles, so we must have done something to piss you off, Lord, so please forgive us and stop being angry with us and deliver us in battle next time and let righteousness prevail.

 

Chapter 86:

David: Hi, God, David again. Life is hard.

God: It would probably be less hard for you if you didn’t make so many enemies by killing lots of people.

David: Oh, Lord, please forgive me and deliver me. There is no other god like You. Teach me to be like You.

God: Okay, that’s not a bad request. Why don’t we-

David: A lot of people are chasing me and wanting to kill me, so please save me and show those guys that you’re on my side.

God: Sigh. I’m hanging up now.

 

Chapter 87:

God loves Jerusalem more than any other city.

 

Chapter 88:

The zombie sons of Korah are going through hard times again and are loudly wondering where the heck God is and why He continues to let people suffer.

 

Chapter 89:

God loves us. He made a promise to David that his throne would last forever. (And He’s feeling a bit awkward about that right now as we’re sitting in the ruins of Jerusalem and we haven’t had a Davidic king in at least 90 years.)

Everything will praise God. There is no one like him. He killed the chaos god long ago. God is super strong and loving and just.

God: I chose David to be my king. He’s going to be great. The greatest. So great that you people will be tired of greatness. And I will make his throne last forever.

History: Uh…

God: Even if David’s kids are all screw ups and really piss me off, I will establish David’s throne forever.

History: Uh…

2 Kings: Uh…

Psalmist: But you have turned your back on us and scattered us and let our city be destroyed and our lands burned with fire. Where are you and how long will you be angry at us, God? Remember how nice you were to David and be nice to us too. Amen.

 

Chapter 90:

Moses is back, guys.

Moses: Lord, you are our home. We rest and live securely in you. Our days are short compared to you and we will soon die. Probably sooner than later since you get angry at us a lot and start smiting people. So let us be mindful of our mortality and live accordingly.

You’ve hurt us, now please bless us and let your favor be with us and bless our endeavors.

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