The TL:DR Bible: Psalm 91-100


Chapter 91:

If you make God your home, he will protect you and shelter you and you can find rest. You can be secure in the midst of war and pandemic. God will protect you with his angels and deadly beasts will not harm you.  (This would, of course, probably be news to the early Christian martyrs who died of lion.)

 

Chapter 92:

A Sabbath day song.

Is that allowed? I mean, they killed a guy for picking up sticks. Singing seems like a lot of work, especially if you’re a smoker or out of shape.

It’s good to say thanks to God and sing songs. God’s wisdom is such that it only looks like the assholes are prospering and growing rich so God could lull them into a false sense of security and then kill them. God will kill all who cross him.

But God blessed me and I will be secure and prosperous.

 

Chapter 93:

God is king over the Earth. He reigns above the chaos of the waters and orders the world according to his will.

 

Chapter 94:

Dear God of vengeance, please kill those assholes over there. They’re greedy, unjust, murderous, and impious.

But God sees all and will pay you all back.

Blessed is the man you chasten, God. (I think the dead Israelites from all the books before this one would disagree.) God will repay the evil ones even if it doesn’t look like it.

If God hadn’t helped me, I would have fallen and been destroyed. When I am anxious, you calm my soul, and by ‘you’, I mean Xanax.

Yes, God is totally going to kill those assholes. Amen.

Also, God of Vengeance would be a great name for Jesus’ death metal band.

 

Chapter 95:

Come and praise the Lord. Don’t be like those jerks wandering the wilderness who resisted God, so God swore vengeance upon them.

 

Chapter 96:

Everyone worship God and put him before all the other gods. He reigns over the heavens and Earth and is coming to judge the world.

 

Chapter 97:

God reigns over all. He is righteous and just. Dark clouds surround him and he burns all who oppose him with fire and lightning. The universe is afraid of him.

Everyone who practices the wrong religion should fear him. The other gods should worship him. Jerusalem and Judah are happy because their God is above the other gods.

Hate evil. God will preserve and prosper you.

Job: I’d like to have a word, if you don’t mind…

 

Chapter 98:

Everyone sing to God again, because he’s helped us win battles and we’re happy.

 

Chapter 99:

God really loves the Jews and Jerusalem and reigns over the country. God executes justice and righteousness in Judah. God has always answered the calls of the faithful and forgiven their sin, but avenged their evil deeds… that doesn’t make sense, but okay… Everyone worship God.

 

Chapter 100:

If you haven’t gotten the theme of this part of the book, it’s ‘everyone worship and sing to God.’

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