The TL:DR Bible: Psalm 101-105


Chapter 101:

David: I’m going to sing of justice to you, Lord. I’m not going to sin. I hate those sinners and won’t follow them. If I hear anyone gossip, I’ll totally kill them. I’ll only surround myself with the holy and the pure and will kill all the wicked. Except Joab… he’s useful to me… and myself, of course… and Ammon… and Absalom… other guys I’ll ask Solomon to kill… but you know… most of the wicked…

 

Chapter 102:

Life really sucks, O God. It really, really sucks. But you’ll help us out, right? And then everyone will know you exist and fear you. Huh? That sound like a good deal? Because life really, really sucks right now.

 

Chapter 103:

David: You know what I really love about God? His mercy towards me. He doesn’t deal with us according to our sins. (Sometimes He invents new sins, like holding a census, that he deals with us over…)

But He is like a father to us and pities us. (Have you read the Pentateuch, man?)

So everyone worship God on High.

 

Chapter 104:

Worship God because the Earth is nothing compared to Him. The Earth was covered with water or chaos, and God came and rolled back the chaos, separating it from the land.

God cares for all the beasts of the field. And God gives us food and wine which makes us happy drunk. Trees, birds, goats, shephanim… what are those? Oh… hyraxs. These guys:

procavia-capensis-frontal1

Also lions and people and stars and moons and planets and stuff.

Oh, and sea monsters. Yes, the psalmist believes in sea monsters.

God sustains it all and then it all dies and decays back into dust and goo.

So everyone sing to the Lord.

 

Chapter 105:

Okay, guys, let’s all sing praise to the Lord for his wonderful works in dealing with Israel.

He made a covenant with Abraham saying, “I’m going to give you the land of Canaan.”

And then he said the same thing to Isaac, then to Jacob and his sons. And then, instead of giving them the land right then and there or leading them to a land that wasn’t already full of people that would have to be murdered, God caused a famine to happen and sent the family to Egypt, but it was okay, because Joseph was already there having been sold a slave and then made Pharaoh’s right hand man. And Joe fed them and enslaved the people of Egypt. And the famine ended. But instead of sending us back to Canaan or somewhere else where we wouldn’t have to kill lots of people, God caused Egypt to hate us and enslave us and make us work bitterly and they killed our male babies. But then Moses and Aaron came and God sent ten plagues on Egypt, making sure Pharaoh’s heart was hardened after every plague so God could get through them all.

God: I had ten plagues, I wasn’t going to just let Pharaoh let them go and leave me holding on to five, six unused plagues, alright? Geez…

So God killed everything in Egypt and somehow there were still enough people left over to give us all their gold and silver and shit to get rid of us. And then we were led around in the desert for forty years until everyone God had freed was dead. Also, God killed a lot of us directly along the way for reasons… but then we got to Canaan and genocided the hell out of those Canaanites. So, uh… yeah… let’s all praise the Lord for his simple, completely un-convoluted plan to give our people a home.

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