The TL:DR Bible: Psalm 106-110


Chapter 106:

Psalmist: Praise God. He is good. His love endures forever. Remember me, O Lord in your grace. We’ve sinned like our ancestors. Let me go over the first seven books of the bible again to remind us of their sins.

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Chapter 107:

Everyone praise God, for He is good and His love endures forever.

People in a bad spot cry out to God and He delivered some of them.

Prisoners, fools, sailors have all been in bad spots before and they cried out to God and some of them were delivered. So that’s something, right?

God can make dry land flow with rivers, lay waste to kings and princes, and protect the needy.

 

Chapter 108:

David: Hey, God, it’s me, David. Just wanted to tell you that you’re like super cool and really awesome. And I wanted to remind you that you said this land is all yours, so if you could help us go over there and kill and enslave our Edomite brothers, I’d really appreciate it. Okay? Bye.

 

Chapter 109:

David: Hey, God. It’s me, David. I was wondering if you could maybe kill some assholes for me? Seriously, kill them. Let their wives be widows. Make their children poor and make them have to beg to survive. Actually, no, let his kids starve to death so his genetic line is cut off.

But be really nice to me, please? Thanks, bye.

God: Sigh… that boy needs some serious help.

 

Chapter 110:

David: And then God was like, ‘Yea, David. I love David. David is awesome. I want David to hang out with me while I go and beat the snot out of his enemies. David is so cool, he should be a priest. And I was like, “Oh, Lord, that’s too much. I’m not even a Levite.” And he was like, “But neither was Melchizedek, eh? Eh?” And I was like, “Cool.” So I’m like a king and a priest, ladies. And I’m available.

Oh, yeah, and God is going to come and judge us all, so let’s make the most of tonight…

(Okay, I added that last part.)

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