The TL:DR Bible: Psalm 111-118

Chapter 111:

God is super cool. Everyone sing songs about Him.


Chapter 112:

If you honor God, your life will be super awesome.

Job: Wrong!


Chapter 113:

Everyone sing songs to God because he’s super cool. He helps the poor and the childless.


Chapter 114:

Hey, everyone, remember when God brought us out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea and brought water out of a rock? Yeah… that was cool.


Chapter 115:

Hey, God, could you help us out in battle? Not for our own sake so we can get plunder and slaves, but for your name’s sake! Really.  So those other nations don’t talk smack about you.  Their gods are dumb. They’re pretty dumb for worshipping a hunk of rock or wood or bronze instead of worshipping an invisible deity that we’re super sure is really there.  So everyone trust in God and sing songs to him because we won’t be singing songs to him when we’re all dead. Amen?


Chapter 116:

I love God because he saved my life. I was in a bind and God helped me out after I called to him. He’s pretty cool. So what should I do for him? I’ll keep praying to him and drink in his honor and do all the things I promised him I’d do if he helped me. Guess I’m becoming a priest now and heading off to Africa as a missionary…


Chapter 117:

Everyone praise the Lord.


Chapter 118:

Everyone praise the Lord.

I was suffering, and God delivered me, so I’m smug with my enemies. God is on my side, after all. Though the nations surrounded me, I’m going to slaughter every last one of those bastards.  With God’s help, I’m going to wipe them out… all of them. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

So the righteous rejoice. I was mostly dead, but God saved me.

Stones. Yeah, a stone no one liked was super important… Everyone rejoice!  (I think David might have been doing  too much rejoicing at this point.)

O Lord, save us and give us lots of money and stuff…

Tie that sacrifice onto the altar… (Uh… yeah, I’m definitely going with too much rejoicing…)

Everyone praise the Lord…



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