The TL:DR Bible – Psalm 119

Chapter 119:

Aleph is for Alephant

How happy you’ll be if you walk in the law of God (because you won’t be stoned to death.)

How happy you’ll be if you seek God with all your heart.

Job: Wrong!

I hope I keep the law because being stoned to death would suck.


Beth is for Bethany Cooper whom I had a crush on the 2nd grade

How can a young man keep his way pure?

By living according to the law (so he’ll know not to fornicate, but to buy a young girl as a concubine instead)

Oh, Lord, keep me in your law, I tell everyone of your ordinances, including the 2,000 chapters on interior decorating your tent in Leviticus.

I will meditate and delight in your law… or just kind of ignore it and pretend I know what’s in there and that it’s all good and consistent with a loving God and not at least partially the product of Bronze Age culture.


Gimel is for… uh… he was the rival of Macy’s Department store, right?

Okay, I live and keep your word, you’re law is awesome, wonderful, perfect, I’m obsessed with it…

Yeah, now I’m really sure  he hasn’t read any of it. I remember my trek through those books. 80% of it was mind-numbingly dull, 15% was horrid, and 5% was actually pretty good and progressive for its time.


Daleth is for… Dr. Who villains

I was down, but you can revive me by your word. Teach me your law. I really need to know in precise detail the many, many ways you want animal exterminated. Exterminated.


He is for that guy over there.

Teach me your law, it’s so good and wonderful and this is not at all sounding like a guy who’s sucking up to the author when it’s evident he hasn’t read the book.


Vav is for Vavoline motor oil… 

I obey and teach and really love your commandments. The part of slavery gets me right here every time.


Zayin is for Goku, the world’s first super Zayin.

Your law gives me comfort even though things are crap.


Heth is for Beth’s male twin. We really wanted rhyming names

The Lord is the only thing I truly care about. His law is super double-plus good. And I only hang out with guys who also want to hump this book.


Teth is for Im-O-Teth, the mummy…

You’ve been good to me, God, helping me keep your law. Before you beat me, I was just out there doing my own thing and having fun, but now I stone people who pick up firewood on Saturdays.


Yodh is for a little green Jedi Master who lives on Dagobah.

Seriously, I will hike up my robes and go to town on this book right now, O Lord.


Kaph is one that I can’t think of a pun for…

Seriously, I lie in bed at night thinking of the words of your law. The thick bold pen strokes… the smell of papyrus… I wonder when you will comfort me.

Oh, and because this is a psalm, lots of people are out to get me and kill me, so help me with those assholes, please.


Lamedh is what Mary had for dinner after she got tired of that dumb sheep stalking her everywhere.

If it wasn’t for how much I love your law, I would have given up all hope and let those men kill me. You complete me, book. You complete me.


Mem is for Mom spoken with a speech impediment.

Your law is so great, I’m smarter than all my teachers with their facts and science nonsense.

Your law tastes really sweet in my mouth…. Good night, everybody!


Nun is for those stuck in a habit

I really love your law. Also remember the bad guys. Do something about them, please. But I’m super cool and have kept all of your law, unlike Jerry over there who wears polyester with wool blends. Bloody heathen.


Samekh is for “Really, underneath our clothes and skin, aren’t we all really the samekh?”

I really hate the heathen, but I love your laws. And again… bad guys over there… help?


Ayin is for a really bad author who ended up living off of the welfare state. Yes, fanboys, look it up. And fuck John Galt.

Hey, God, I’m super cool. I’m kind of dating your law, so could you please help me out with those guys over there trying to kill me. Sorry to keep mentioning it, but I ran out of things to say 121 verses ago.


Pe is for… you figure it out.

Your law is wonderful, especially the bits about stoning rape victims because they lived in a city. Before your law, I wouldn’t have known who to kill.


Tsadhe is for an old pervy French noble who was into whips…

He really loves the freaking law. I get it.


Qoph is for the vaccine you should get for whooping qoph.

I keep crying out to you and you don’t answer. So I’m crying out some more.


Resh is something you should consult a dermatologist about

Help me out and your law is totally good. Bats ARE birds if you say so, O Lord.


Shin… these all sound like words that might be splashed across the screen as sound effects on the old Batman TV show.


He has enemies he wants God to take care of and he’s currently making sweet, sweet love to Deuteronomy.


Tav is for tavern, where all parties must eventually go to pick up their next quest

Hey, has this guy mentioned how much he loves the law?


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