The TL:DR Bible: Psalm 120-135


Chapter 120:

I call to God when I’m in trouble and he answers me. Deliver me from liars and warmongers.

 

Chapter 121:

God is our helper and keeper. He will protect us from all evil.

Job: Wrong!

 

Chapter 122:

David: I was really happy when they said to go to the Temple. Jerusalem is God’s favorite city. You will be blessed if you love it (and me) as much as God does. This is not a self-serving song at all. Totally.

 

Chapter 123:

We look to God as a slave looks to their master pleading with them for good things.

 

Chapter 124:

David: God helped us to crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of their women.

 

Chapter 125:

If you trust in God, you will not be moved. God will surround you.

Bless those who are good, O Lord, and destroy the evil.

 

Chapter 126:

Hey, God brought us back from the exile that he sent us to. Praise God.

 

Chapter 127:

Solomon: Unless God is behind your endeavor, it won’t happen. Also, have lots of kids if you want to be happy. My father David had lots of kids and look how happy he was with Ammon and Absalom and Adonijah… I’m the wisest man on Earth everyone!

 

Chapter 128:

If you fear God and do what he says, you’ll be blessed.

Job: Ahem…

Uh… okay, uh.. also, peach be to Israel.

Jews: Yeah, that worked out well too.

 

Chapter 129:

There’s a lot of anti-Semitism out there. People really seem to hate us.

So, how about you put those Nazis to shame, O Lord and punish them for their sins?

 

Chapter 130:

Hey, God, we’re sinners and things are going really crappy right now, so please forgive us and save us, okay? Thanks. Bye.

 

Chapter 131:

David: O Lord, I’m not a proud man and I try not to think about things. I just hang out and hope for the best with You. This explains a lot about why people are always trying to overthrow my government.

 

Chapter 132:

We’re going to the Temple. Lord, remember what you said to David about setting his throne up forever.

God: Yeah, I did say that, but it didn’t happen.

Oh… well… uh… we mean, do you remember how you said that if David’s sons would obey you wholeheartedly, you’d establish their throne forever.

God: No, I was pretty clear. The promise to David was unconditional. I just had this thing over in Sagittarius B. Big thing. Messy. Lots of… well, you wouldn’t understand.

Surely God said He would abide in Zion forever and bless her and destroy her enemies.

 

Chapter 133:

David: How blessed it is for brothers to live together in harmony.

Absalom: We would, if he didn’t rape my sister.

Ammon: Seriously, it was the one time. Stop holding a grudge.

Absalom: You didn’t even pay dad the 50 shekels of silver!

Ammon: You borrowed my Whitesnake album and didn’t return it!

Absalom: I am so going to kill you and steal dad’s throne!

David: Sigh…

 

Chapter 134:

Hey, all of you on the night shift watching the gates, God bless you.

 

Chapter 135:

Everyone sing praises to Yahweh. He’s much better than the other gods. He makes it rain and blows the wind on us. Oh, plus, He totally killed lots of Egyptians and animals. And He helped us genocide super good.

Those other gods are just silver and gold. Our God is invisible. Which is so much better.

So everyone praise the Lord!

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