The TL:DR Bible: Psalms 136-150


Chapter 136:

Give thanks to the Lord, because his love is great and everlasting. He proved his great love by creating the world, killing all the first born of Egypt… killing… Pharaoh… and his army… helping us… genocide… uh… he feeds everything… for the most part… but his love is everlasting.

 

Chapter 137:

In exile in Babylon, we were sad about what happened to Jerusalem and Judah. The Babylonians wanted us to sing, but how could we sing songs in Babylon? I’ll never forget Jerusalem. Oh, and kill those Edomites who wanted Jerusalem destroyed. And how blessed the people will be who destroy Babylon and smash the cute little skulls of Babylonian infants and children.

 

Chapter 138:

David: I say thanks to God for helping me and delivering me from my enemies and oh, God, haven’t I written this exact song like 60,000 times already?

 

Chapter 139:

David: Hey, God, you know everything about me. I can’t hide from you. If I go to the stars, you’re there. If I go to the grave, you’re there too. You made me. You watched me grow from a single cell organism into a human being and you know how many days I will live. Also, I really wish you’d kill those guys over there because they’re jerks. I hate all the people you hate.

God: I don’t really hate anyone, you know…

David: Those jerks are totally my enemies because you hate them. So, look in me and see if I’m sinning and take me to eternal life.

 

Chapter 140:

David: Bad guys are trying to kill me. Please set them on fire. Amen.

 

Chapter 141:

David: Dear God, please listen to me. Help me not to do evil, like those bastards over there who really deserve some smiting, unlike me who should walk in safety. Amen.

 

Chapter 142:

Oh, look… another song from David about how miserable his life is and how God should help him out. What a surprise.

 

Chapter 143:

David asks God to listen to him, because… three guesses… yeah, someone is being mean to him. He longs for God’s presence and deliverance and for God to totally crush and destroy his enemies.

 

Chapter 144:

Hey, you’ll never, ever guess what this psalm of David is about? Oh, you did guess. Well, he also throws in a part asking God to give them stuff and happiness.

 

Chapter 145:

God is great, yo. He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, loving, good, and merciful, regardless of what you may have read in the Pentateuch or the historical books… The Lord sustains the fallen and the oppressed. He feeds the hungry. God will keep those who love him, but kill those who don’t. Bless the Lord.

 

Chapter 146:

Praise the Lord. Don’t trust in governments or people, because they die. Trust instead in an invisible God you can’t have a conversation with.

 

Chapter 147:

Everyone praise God because He is faithful to Israel. He brings back the exiles and builds up Jerusalem. He provides rain for our crops. Food for the wild beasts. Bread for us. He really loves Israel over all the other nations. Amen.

 

Chapter 148:

Everyone praise the Lord. Yes, everyone.

 

Chapter 149:

All Israel, praise the Lord. Rejoice and be proud as we cut down the foreigners around us and enslave and execute their people and noble. It is our honor to do so. Praise the Lord!

 

Chapter 150:

Praise the Lord. Break out the instruments and praise the Lord!

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