The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 1-9


Chapter 1

  • The proverbs of Solomon to teach all of you wisdom…
  • To fear God is to be wise. (God does have a large body count by this point, so point taken.)
  • If someone comes up to you and says, “Hey, let’s murder people, say no.” (Well, that seems pretty obvious there.)
  • Why are there so many stupid people out there?

 

Chapter 2:

  • Son, don’t be a stupid person.
  • Watch out for assholes and whores. (Seems obvious again.)

 

Chapter 3:

  • Be kind and be true.
  • Trust God, not your own mind. (Then why did God give me a mind?)
  • Do what is right and God will give you lots of stuff.
  • Do what is wrong and God will beat you like a redheaded stepchild.
  • It’s good to be smart.
  • If you can help someone, do it.
  • Don’t pick a fight without cause.
  • Don’t admire murderers. (So everyone stop holding up David as a role model, please.)

 

Chapter 4:

  • When I was your age, my dad told me to get smart.
  • Now I’m telling you to get smart too.
  • Guard your heart.
  • Don’t lie.
  • Live mindfully.

 

Chapter 5:

  • Seriously, kid, watch out for whores. We don’t have condoms and we don’t bathe regularly. You’re going to get an STD.
  • Buy yourself a nice girl and be happy with her boobs.

 

Chapter 6:

  • Don’t cosign loans.
  • Work hard, don’t be lazy.
  • Wicked men… use signals like in baseball? Okay…
  • God hates the following: Pride, lies, murder, evildoers, perjury, and people who sow discord
  • I mean it, damn it, stay away from whores and adulteresses. (Geez, dude, you’d think with 1000 wives, you wouldn’t think about whores so much…)

 

Chapter 7:

  • Seriously, boy, the whores… watch out for the whores. Such beautiful, slutty whores with their honeyed lips and makeup and perfumes… intoxicating perfumes and their high thread count Egyptian linens… willing to do anything for a shekel… mmmm… that’s right… call me a naughty boy… er… anyway, watch out for those whores, kid.

 

Chapter 8:

  • Wisdom is out there calling for people, but they’re too stupid to notice her.

 

Chapter 9:

  • If you try to correct an asshole, he’s just going to be a dick about it.
  • If you try to correct a wise man, he’ll thank you.
  • Whores are dumb, kid, out there calling you into their bedrooms, enticing you with their secret pleasures… so naughty… yeah… oh, uh… watch out for the whores.
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