The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 16-17

Chapter 16:

  • Man plans, but God brings it to fruition or ruin.
  • Everyone is the hero of their own story, but God judges on your motivations as well as your actions.
  • God made everything with a purpose in mind. For some of you, that purpose involves being burned alive forever and ever… but He loves you.
  • God will punish those who get too big for their britches.
  • It’s better to be poor with integrity than to be rich without it. (Can I try both just to make sure?
  • Man plans, but God brings it to fruition or ruin. Yes, Solomon is already repeating himself.
  • Kings should be just and wise.
  • God wants you to be fair in your business dealings. Because if you’re not… you might… I don’t know… end up as President one day… and be beloved by the church… yeah… that’ll teach you….
  • It’s really bad when a man with absolute power uses it incorrectly. “Maybe we should not let one guy have absolute power then.” Uh… I mean… I can have absolute power, but you just need to watch out for other kings.
  • When a king is angry, it’s like death is chasing you! A wise man would appease it, Jacob, like by offering the king the last blueberry bagel that he was really looking forward to until some asshole took it.
  • It’s better to be smart than rich. I don’t know… there are a lot of rich idiots out there that seem to be living pretty well, Sol.
  • Pride goes before destruction.
  • It’s better to be unknown and humble than it is to be proud and a bandit or raider.
  • Say nice things like a nice boy.
  • There is a way that seems right to a man, but it ends in death. Oh, I, uh, said that already? Okay… well… we’ll take it out when we edit this book.
  • You know what’s a really good motivator to get your slaves to work? Hunger.
  • Assholes go around picking fights and finding trouble.
  • Also, beware of people trying to get you to go become a murderer.
  • Respect your elders, ya damn kids with your bellbottom tunics and your hot rod chariots. Get off my lawn!
  • God rigs every game of craps. I suggest you cut him in on your winnings.


Chapter 17:

  • It’s better to eat bread in quiet than it is to eat Thanksgiving meal with your crazy relatives you only see once a year who always (get drunk/say racist shit/pick fights over politics.)
  • Look, Rehoboam, get your act together or I’m going to make that slave over there king instead of you.
  • God chucks you into fiery torment to test your heart… because while He already knows what your heart is like, He gets really, really bored sometimes.
  • Don’t listen to liars.
  • Don’t mock the poor or rejoice in someone’s misfortune.
  • Grandchildren are a blessing to old men. When are you gonna settle down, Rehoboam? Meet a nice girl or fifty?
  • Politicians shouldn’t lie. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…
  • Bribery works.
  • Snitches get stitches.
  • A word to the wise gets better results than beating the crap out of a stupid person.
  • It’s probably better to get mauled by a bear than it is to have to deal with a troll.
  • Karma is a bitch.
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • Seriously, don’t cosign for a loan with someone. I cosigned for a 2010 Buick for your cousin Joseph, so he could get to his new job, and the idiot stops paying. When I want to expand the Temple, the bank says “Sorry, your credit’s bad.” Then I remembered I was king, and I killed the bankers and took the money anyway.
  • Seriously, you’re breaking your mother’s and mine heart, Rehoboam. Stop being such an idiot.
  • A wise man doesn’t talk so much. He might really be an idiot, but if he just stays quiet and tries to look thoughtful, everyone will assume he’s really smart.

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