The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 18-19

Chapter 18:

  • Loners seek their own desire
  • Idiots don’t like to learn, but they do love spewing forth their ignorant opinions.
  • Evil people bring dishonor.
  • Don’t show partiality to evil people.
  • The words of a troll bring trouble and make you want to beat the shit out of him.
  • Gossip is pleasurable.
  • Lazy people are like a pillager.
  • The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into it and are saved*. (*Saved is a general term and may include being executed slowly and horribly by your enemies.)
  • Rich people are confident their wealth can buy them out of trouble.
  • Pride goes before the fall… it doesn’t count as a new proverb just because you phrase it differently, Sol.
  • Listen before you speak, dumbasses.
  • A sick body is easier to bear than a broken heart.
  • The first guy to tell his side of the story always seems right until cross-examination.
  • If you can’t come to an arrangement, try Rock-Paper-Scissors.
  • It’s harder to win back someone you’ve hurt than it is to conquer nations.
  • Words matter.
  • Getting a good wife is a great thing.
  • It’s better to have one good friend than many acquaintances.


Chapter 19:

  • Anyone is better than a profane idiot.
  • Seriously, why are people so stupid? This isn’t good for society.
  • Wealth buys you an entourage that runs away from you when you’re poor.
  • Liars will be punished.
  • People love you when you give them stuff. (King Obvious strikes again.)
  • Nobody likes the poor man.
  • Get smarter, people. Knowledge and education are good things.
  • Liars will be punished. Seriously, Sol, you didn’t even change the words this time. How did this make it through the editing process?
  • Giving a lot of money to an idiot isn’t going to end well. Neither will democracy. Sometimes the two go hand in hand.
  • Don’t be hot-headed.
  • It’s not good to piss off the king. Yes, Joe, I saw you take the last blueberry bagel again. I am so going to have your head.
  • Having a dumbass for a son makes your life miserable. As does having a bitch for a wife.
  • Land and money are good to have, but a good wife is a divine gift.
  • Don’t be lazy.
  • Give to the poor. God will reward you.
  • Discipline your kids.
  • Angry friends are always going to get you into bar fights.
  • The Lord wants kindness and truth from us.
  • God can override your plans for incomprehensible reasons you will never understand.
  • The fear of the Lord will bring life and security. Job? “WRONG!”
  • Lazy people are so lazy they can’t even eat.
  • Beat an idiot, and he’ll be more devious about his stupidity.
  • If you physically abuse your parents, you’re a rotten person. Wow… thanks… I would never have been able to discern that bit of morality without you, Sol.
  • Fools will be beaten severely.

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