The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 20-21


Chapter 20:

  • Booze makes you do dumb things.
  • Don’t make the king angry or he will murder you. He’s written this three times now. You think Solomon was pretty easy to annoy? I think he was.
  • Stay out of pointless fights and things that don’t concern you.
  • Lazy people go hungry.
  • Everyone claims they’re loyal, but how can you tell who really is?
  • The sons of the righteous man are blessed, unless, you know… God kills them because of a bet with Satan.
  • A just ruler will fight against evil.
  • No one is completely pure.
  • God wants us to be fair in our business dealings. I get the sense that Solomon got ripped off a lot too.
  • Actions define a man.
  • God gave you your senses.
  • Don’t sleep in too much or you’re going to be hungry.
  • People are always trying to rip you off.
  • Knowledge is better than gold and jewels. Tell that to your parents when you’re using that Philosophy degree to get a job as a barista.
  • It’s okay to violate the law against holding a man’s cloak as collateral if he’s a foreigner.
  • Don’t lie or steal or you’ll regret it.
  • Hire more consultants.
  • Don’t hang out with gossips. They’ll spill your secrets too.
  • Don’t curse your father and mother or things are going to go poorly for you
  • Giving a kid a lot of money doesn’t end well.
  • Don’t take your own vengeance. God will kill those bastards for you.
  • Seriously, stop trying to rip me off, people. I know you’re overcharging me. God doesn’t like that.
  • God preordained your life, so how can you understand it?
  • Don’t make vows.
  • Smart kings kill the evil people in their kingdom.
  • Young people are strong, but old people are wise.
  • Beat people harshly to get the evil out of them.

 

Chapter 21:

  • God controls our leaders like a puppeteer. (Note to God: Can you please make our leader act less crazy? It’s been a really fun show, but some of us are concerned about his access to nuclear weapons.)
  • We all think we’re the heroes of our story, but God will judge us.
  • God wants justice and good actions more than he wants religious observance.
  • Don’t be arrogant
  • Do be detail oriented and deliberate in your work and actions.
  • Lying your way to get ahead will come back to bite you in the ass.
  • Don’t marry a bitch.
  • The righteous will prosper, the wicked will suffer. Job? “WRONG!”
  • Give to the poor because you might be the poor one day and will want someone to give to you.
  • If someone is angry with you, try bribing them.
  • If you love booze, you will be poor. Seriously, it’s a pretty expensive habit.
  • Seriously, kid, don’t marry a bitch.
  • Watch your words.
  • Don’t be arrogant. I’m repeating myself here, aren’t I?
  • Lazy people are going to die.
  • God hates false religious piety.
  • You can’t fight God and win.
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