The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 22-24


Chapter 22:

  • It’s better to be well-liked than rich.
  • God made the rich and the poor alike.
  • Prudent men avoid evil.
  • If you live a simple life and fear God, you will be rich, honored, and have a long life. Oh… what’s this? It’s not Job… it’s Jesus?? Well, what do you think of this verse? “WRONG!”
  • Raise your kid the right way.
  • The rich rule over the poor and the poor are slaves to their creditors. All things considered, this is pretty accurate and utterly depressing. Quick, let’s move on to a dick joke.
  • If you sow evil, then your rod of fury will perish. Looks like I just got myself a new Christian pickup line. “My rod of fury will never perish with you, Baby.”
  • Give some of your shit to the poor, would you?
  • Kick the assholes out of your life, and you’ll have a lot less drama.
  • Lazy people always find excuses to not work. “There’s a lion outside!” “AAAAAHGH!! IT”S EATING MY LEG! IT’S EATING MY LEG!” “NO! NOT THE ROD OF FURY! WHY GOD WHY?”
  • The mouth of an adulteress is a deep pit… for your ROD OF FURY… I mean… watch out for whores, son.
  • Hey, notice how your children are all happy, curious, energetic, and get into trouble sometimes? Well, just beat the shit out of them with a cane until they stop that crap.
  • Hey, if you defraud the poor, steal their money, trample them underfoot all just to make one dollar more, you’re going to get yours… I mean, it might be after decades of living opulently and sleeping on piles of money with many beautiful women, but you’ll get yours…
  • Keep listening, dumbass, I’m not done dispensing wisdom to you.
  • Don’t rob or oppress the poor. God will judge you for it.
  • Don’t hang out with roid rage guys.
  • Don’t co-sign loans.
  • Don’t move your property line.
  • Skilled laborers are very important. They get to hang out with kings.

 

Chapter 23:

  • If you’re dining with a politician, make sure he pours your wine from the same bottle as his and that he drinks first. Also, inquire if he’s been using small amounts of iocane powder to build up a tolerance.
  • Don’t work too hard for money. It comes and goes pretty quickly.
  • Don’t eat dinner with people who don’t really want you there.
  • Don’t feed the trolls, son.
  • Don’t steal other people’s land or property.
  • If you beat the shit out of your kids with a cane, you can save their souls from hell. You know… just don’t kill the little shit.
  • Don’t hang out with alcoholics and gluttons.
  • Be smart, son, and make mom and I proud.
  • A harlot is a deep pit… for your ROD OF FURY!
  • Alcoholism is a tragic disease.

 

Chapter 24:

  • Don’t hang out with supervillains and murderers.
  • Knowledge over power.
  • Wisdom is wasted on the troll.
  • Protect the defenseless. Help those who cannot help themselves.
  • Do you like honey? Well, wisdom is like honey for your soul. Eh?
  • Hey, jerks, don’t lie in wait to kill the righteous man.
  • If you really want God to make your enemies suffer, don’t get super happy when they suffer, or God might decide to cut their suffering short.
  • Don’t worry about all those evil bastards that are prospering. They’ll get theirs eventually… or not and we’ll have to trust God will punish them after they die or something.
  • Stay away from Rebels. Because unless you’re a Wookie or your name is Luke, Han, or Leia, you’re going to be cannon fodder.
  • If you’re going to be a judge, do justice to the people.
  • Sow your crops first, then build a house.
  • Don’t get back at your neighbor by lying about him in court.
  • I’ve seen the houses of the lazy man. All overgrown with weeds. Bringing down property values. Yeah, lazy people suck… What? You were expecting one more ROD OF FURY joke?
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