The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 27-28

Chapter 27

  • Don’t boast about tomorrow because you might be dead.
  • Don’t self-promote. That’s what hype men are for.
  • Trolls are really annoying, am I right?
  • Jealousy will make people do crazy things.
  • Friends tell you when you’re wrong and when you have a booger hanging out of your nose.
  • If you were really hungry, you would eat what I MADE FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE ENTITLED BRAT!
  • Like a bird that wanders, so is the man who wanders. No, man, I am not high… you’re high… yeah… duuuuude…
  • Wise counsel makes you feel, like, really good, man.
  • Be there for your friends and family, but it’s better to go to a neighbor’s house than your brother’s house when you’re in trouble. No sense in bringing the law to your brother’s house.
  • Don’t be a dumbass, kid.
  • Wise people foresee trouble and avoid it. Naïve people trust the Wall St. Journal and buy a house with an adjustable rate mortgage in 2007…
  • Ream the hell out of anyone who cosigns a loan, kid, and blackmail a guy involved in adultery.
  • Seriously, man, bitches, am I right?
  • Here’s a verse every men’s ministry will print on T-shirts for their Men’s Retreats to encourage men to pester one another about how often they read their bible vs. how often they jerk off to pron.
  • Look, slaves, work hard, take care of me, and I will totally honor you. Maybe with a fruit basket for your birthday.
  • What’s in your heart will come out eventually.
  • If you want to see a man’s character, give him adulation and power.
  • You can beat the shit out of a troll all day, you can post links and facts and evidence and waste hours of your life debunking every fucking thing he ever says, but he won’t stop being an idiot and believing that Sandy Hook was staged.
  • Pay attention to your financial investments, kid, or the market will ream you.


Chapter 28:

  • If you’re doing the speed limit, you’re not going to freak out when the cop pulls up behind you.
  • Politicians are scum and destroy the land, but the wise keep trying to maintain civilization anyway.
  • Stop punching down, people. It’s not the fault of the Other. It’s probably the fault of the wealthy.
  • Good people strive against evil in any form. The wicked flatter the evil doer and admire them and faun over them.
  • The wicked practice injustice and don’t even recognize it when it happens right in front of them.
  • Walk in justice, it is better than to riches and oppression.
  • Keep company with the just, not with gluttons and the greedy that waste their wealth only on themselves.
  • Cursed is the one that makes his money off of usury and interest.
  • God hates religion without justice.
  • People who corrupt the good will be judged.
  • The wealthy man thinks he is smart. Real smart. Like the best smart guy evar. But the poor man with wisdom sees through him.
  • If you try to deny your sins, people are going to think you’re an ass. If you confess them, seek forgiveness, and stop being an ass, people will be compassionate towards you.
  • The oppressor is a devouring tyrant that consumes the poor and spreads fear.
  • The Just man will prolong his days… you know… unless the unjust rulers kill them brutally for standing against them.
  • The man deemed guilty of murder will be a fugitive all of his days… or until act three when he finds the one-armed man.
  • Better to work hard for your food than to buy a hundred lottery tickets in the hopes of getting rich.
  • If you rob your mom and dad, you’re worse than a murderer.
  • Don’t follow your heart, that’s stupid advice. Use your head and your heart to walk wisely.
  • When the wicked gain power, men hide themselves, but when the wicked are purged, the righteous flourish.

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