The TL:DR Bible: Proverbs 29-31


Chapter 29:

  • Keep fighting against the system and you will be broken.
  • Wicked rulers sow and reap a harvest of human misery.
  • Whores don’t love you, son. They love your money. Believe me, I know.
  • A good ruler is just, politicians who take large and mostly unlimited campaign contributions in the name of free speech from shadowy people and corporations in exchange for favorable legislation pervert justice.
  • Don’t buy into flattery. They want something from you.
  • Righteous people care about the poor. The wicked say the poor should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.
  • You can’t win an argument with a troll.
  • If a rule pays attention to falsehood, like say believes everything he reads on hyperpartisan websites… imagine how horrible that would be…
  • God makes the sun rise on the just and the unjust.
  • A king who gives justice to the poor will be established forever… or at least until the rich flood the system with money in order to get their man on the throne.
  • Beat your child as needed.
  • When there is no idea of a common good, the people do whatever they want.
  • Beat your slaves as needed.
  • People who speak without thinking are worse than trolls.
  • Seriously, don’t go easy on your slaves or they will start thinking they’re people.
  • Your angry friend will always start a bar fight.
  • Pride goes before a fall.. yeah, I know, I sort of ran out of things to say a while ago, but no one seems to have noticed.

 

Chapter 30:

Hey, it’s a new guy speaking: Agur, the son of Jakeh

  • I don’t know anything and I’m really stupid! This is a great way to start a book of proverbs!
  • Every word of God is tested. Well, in my experience, it’s more believed unquestioningly and we don’t ask too many questions about whether or not it’s the word of God in the first place.
  • Hey, God, I just want two things: to know and speak the truth and to have enough money that I can get by.
  • Don’t speak bad about a slave or you’ll look bad?
  • There are a lot of assholes out there: disrespectful kids, hypocrites, the self-important, and the oppressor.
  • There are some people out there that will suck you dry and leave you drained.
  • I don’t understand eagles, snakes, sailing, or love.
  • Did you ever notice how whores don’t think they’re doing anything wrong?
  • Ants are cool for storing their food, hyraxes are cool because they live in the rocks, locusts are cool because of how they swarm, and lizards that seem to slip past security and live in palaces.
  • Lions are cool because they’re fucking lions, man. Roosters are cool. Male goats… and a king at the head of an army, that’s cool too.
  • Stop boasting about yourself. That’s what resumes are for.

 

Alright, Agur… you seem dumber than Solomon, which is surprising.

 

Chapter 31:

Now we hear from King Lemuel. Who is King Lemuel? We don’t know. He wasn’t mentioned in the list of losers and dumbasses in the books of Kings or Chronicles. But his mom gave him some advice that somehow made it into Solomon’s book too:

  • Don’t go out whoring around.
  • Don’t drink. But do let the depressed and the afflicted drink so they can forget their troubles.
  • Speak for the forgotten, the outcasts, the poor, and afflicted. Protect their rights.
  • Okay, here’s a final section for all the ladies in the church to aspire to be this impossible archtype of a wife who works, pops out kids and raises and homeschools them while making her husband happy, finding time to volunteer at the church, bake cookies for the woman’s group meeting, run faster than a speeding bullet and leap tall buildings with a single bound. Let’s all gather together and study this chapter so we can list and highlight all of your personal failings like how you sometimes let dishes sit in the sing for a day or two and feed your children Pop Tarts and are too tired to have sex sometimes. This will be good for you… somehow… well, it’ll get you in a weepy mood to pray and beg God to make you better and you’ll buy my book, so that’s good.

 

Sigh… and we’re done. Yes! Woo-hoo! Next up, the book of God’s word that every literalist says we shouldn’t actually pay attention to because it’s not really God’s word even though it’s in the bible.

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