The TL:DR Bible: Ecclesiastes 7-12

Chapter 7:

  • A good reputation is better than good medicine.
  • Your death day is better than your birthday.
  • It’s better to wallow in darkness and sadness because you’re going to die.
  • The wise man is miserable while the fool distracts himself with pleasure.
  • It is better to be wise than a fool.
  • Be happy in your prosperity, but remember in the time of affliction that God is responsible for both.
  • And you’re going to die and be forgotten and have no knowledge of what comes after you.

I’ve lived a long time. I’ve seen the good man die young and the rat bastard live a long life. So don’t be overly good, alright? You’re going to ruin your life with rules and regulations and just be a tight ass. And don’t be overly evil. It will probably catch up to you and also ruin your life. Try to live your life so you’re on the passing side of the curve.

Nobody’s perfect. And don’t let everyone’s words affect you. Your slave might curse you, but you’ve cursed other people. Also, watch out for whores.


Chapter 8:

Smart people obey the king unquestioningly. Obey. Me.

Look, even though it looks like evil people live long and prosperous lives, I’m sure it’s better to fear God and live a righteous life because those wicked people will get their comeuppance any day now. Yep… any day now… still waiting, Lord… still waiting… it’s not going to happen, is it? Sigh…

Yeah, good men are killed by evil men. Evil men are killed by good men. It’s all pretty pointless.

Eat well, drink heavily, be happy, and distract yourself from your impending death.

No matter how much we try to figure things out, we’re not going to figure everything out.


Chapter 9:

We’re pawns in a cosmic game. Not knowing what will come to us on any given day.

One fate awaits everyone. This is an evil that one fate awaits us all. It’s better to be alive, I guess, because there’s still hope, but if you die, that’s it. You don’t know anything. You’re dead and forgotten.

So go eat, drink, and try to be happy. God is cool with that. Wear nice clothes, practice good hygiene and love women, because your days are few and numbered.

Whatever you do, do it wholeheartedly, because death.

Wisdom is better than foolishness, but no one listens to or remembers the wisdom of the poor man.

Wisdom is better than an army, but one fuck up fucks everything up good.


Chapter 10:

Idiots fuck things up, but people love stupidity and honor it… and make it president… Oh, God… we really did it, didn’t we?

Karma might be a bitch.

Wisdom might be better than stupidity.


Chapter 11:

  • Throw your bread on the water and you’ll find it again after a few days… but then it will be gross and soggy and probably half-eaten by ducks. But you’ll have that soggy duck bread, by God.
  • Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
  • Rain clouds rain.
  • Where ever a tree falls, there it is. (You think Solomon is high or just fucking with us at this point?)
  • You don’t know shit… so get out there and work…
  • If you live a long life, remember the bad times… there will be a lot of them… you’re gonna die…
  • Hey, young people, go out and have fun and enjoy being young, but God’s totally going to beat the hell out of you for it. But be happy anyway. You’re only young once.


Chapter 12:

But try to remember God when you’re young… before you die… and decay… and return to dust… it’s all pointless.

I guess you should try to be religious in case God is going to judge us all… whatever.


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