The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 1-3

Oh, yeah… bible porn.. bow chicka bow wow…


Chapter 1:

Woman: I want be making out with him. He smells hot. Let’s run to your bedroom now.

Chorus: Hey, good for you, Honey, getting a little something something.

Woman: I’m a poor girl from a poor family, don’t look down on me for that. My brothers forced me to work the fields to keep me from boning dudes.

Man: You’re so hot. You’re hotter than Pharaoh’s horses, Baby.

Me: Wow… pickup lines have changed a lot in 3,000 years.

Chorus: We’ll make you some jewelry…

Woman: My nard gave forth its fragrance.

Me: Good night, everybody!

Woman: My lover smells amazing as he lies on top of me.

Man: You’re so f***ing hot. Your eyes are amazing.

Woman: You’re amazingly hot too and the sex is bloody awesome.


Chapter 2:

Woman: I’m like a rose in the desert.

Man: You’re like a lily among the weeds compared to all the other thousand women in my life, Baby.

Woman: Wait… what other thousand women?

Woman: My love is hung like an apple tree. I sat with him and tasted his fruit. Let’s spend forever here just screwing like bunnies because I really, really want you. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me… and by embraces me, I mean, the man knows his way around the female genitalia.

Me: Probably had a lot of practice with the thousand other wives.

Woman: My lover is coming. He peaks through my window. He calls to me. “Come with me,” he says. “I’m horny.” Okay, he said it more poetically than that, but that’s the gist of it.

My lover grazes among the lilies.

Translation: Solomon liked to go down on the girl. Baptist Jesus is not going to be happy about that.

Baptist Jesus: I’m not. There’s only one acceptable way to have sex: missionary position only for procreation purposes and you have to feel really, really guilty about it afterwards.


Chapter 3:

Woman: I woke up in my bed, but my lover was gone. I searched the house for him, but couldn’t find him, so I went outside and looked for him in the neighborhood. I asked a cop if he had seen my lover. He hadn’t. But I found him not far away. I embraced him and held him and would not let go until we returned to my mother’s house, to the bedroom where my mother and father… conceived me…

Me: Okay, girl’s a bit freaky.

Woman: Solomon showed up for the wedding with an entourage and a lot of pomp and circumstances.

Me: Given how many weddings he’s had before, dude could probably plan out a good wedding in his sleep.


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