The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 5-7


Chapter 5:

Man: I’m come into my garden, my sister wife.

Well, those roses were pretty hot.

Man: I’ve eaten my honeycomb and drunk my wine with milk.

Sol knows a few things about keeping his partners happy. It’s oral.

Woman: I was sleeping, but Sol woke me up for a booty call. Seriously, Sol, I’m naked and in bed and you want me to get up and let you in?

Woman: My beloved put his hand by the hole in the door.

Is that a metaphor? I think it might be a metaphor.

Woman: And my bowels were moved for him.

I wasn’t expecting things to get German freaky, but tell us more.

Woman: I got up to get the door, but Sol was gone. So I went out to find him and the cops punched me and stole my hat. So chorus girls, if you hear about Sol, tell him I’m totally DTF now.

Chorus: What’s so special about this guy? Other than that he’s the king, fabulously wealthy, and knows his way around the clitoris? You know, other than those things?

Woman: He’s super-hot and he’s packing a cedar of Lebanon, if you get my drift.

 

Chapter 6:

Chorus: Where did your lover go?

Woman: Down. Again.

Men: You’re hot. Like your hair is a flock of goats hot and seriously, I’m totally happy that I’ve found a woman in the Bronze Age with all of her teeth. Seriously, Baby, those thousand other women mean nothing to me. You’re the one… at least until I find another 13 or 14 year-old virgin that looks pretty hot.

I’m not sure who’s speaking, but it looks like someone goes down to the orchard of nut trees, so maybe it’s a mutual dining experience.

And then the girl goes home.

 

Chapter 7:

Man: You have nice feet.

Because we haven’t quite hit every fetish yet.

Man: Your boobs are like two baby deer.

And there’s the Bambi fetish again.

Woman: I’m yours and you are mine.

Man: Let’s go have another sex trip and try everything everywhere at every time of day.

Woman: I’ve been reading on the Internet, so I’ve learned a few new things we can practice in addition to the usual incest, deer, feet, bowel fetishes we’ve already covered.

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