The TL:DR Bible: Song of Solomon 8


Chapter 8:

Just a reminder… this is the bible, folks.

Woman: I wish you were my brother, who nursed at my mother’s breasts, so I could kiss you in public and lead you into my mom’s house and let you drink from the juice of my pomegranates and you could finger me.

Wow… Calling Dr. Freud. Dr. Sigmund Freud, please report to room 103. It is an emergency.

Man: Don’t wake up my lover. She’s had a long night.

Chorus: Who is this woman walking with her lover?

Man: I awakened you beneath the apple tree.

This is a metaphor again, right?

Man: Your mom was in labor with you and gave birth to you there.

Seriously, Dr. Freud. This couple has some serious issues.

Man: My love for you is so strong, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Woman’s brothers: We have a little sister. It’s up to us to control her sexuality. If she’s a good girl and listens to us, we’ll honor her, otherwise we’ll lock her in a dungeon for being a slut.

Woman: I was a good girl. Attended all the purity balls. Wore the purity ring. How do you know? Because I have a LOT of freaky issues about sex. Seriously… A LOT. Have you read the last seven chapters? It would make Larry Flynt say that I should probably get some help.

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