The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 5-7


Chapter 5:

God: So you guys are a like a vineyard that I planted and built up and toiled in expecting good fruit, but you’ve only produced crap. I wanted justice and righteousness from you, but all I find is bloodshed and the cries of the oppressed.

So I’m going to let others destroy your nation.

Woe unto the greedy and the rich who accumulate more and more. I’m going to cause you to lose money. Woe unto the revelers and drunkards. I’m going to send you into exile. Many of you will die. Your country’s beauty will be destroyed. Her people will be abased. Foreigners will eat in the fields that belonged to the rich.

Woe unto the mockers of God, the false prophets, the proud, the drinking champions, and the corrupt. It will soon be as if they were consumed with fire. God has already begun striking our land and he will not stop.

He will call on another land to come and invade us.

 

Chapter 6:

After King Uzziah died, I had a vision of God. God was seated on a throne. Six winged angels flew around him, covering their faces and feet and crying out about His holiness and glory. The temple shook at their voices and filled with smoke.

I said, “I’m screwed. I’m a mortal man, a sinner, and I’ve seen God.”

So one of the angels took a burning coal from the altar and seared my lips. “You’re good now.”

God: I need a messenger. Who will go talk to the people for me?

Isaiah: Uh… why do you need a messenger?

God: What?

Isaiah: Well, you’re God. The Big Kahuna. The Supreme Deity. You can do anything. Couldn’t you just talk to everyone in Judah the way you’re talking to me now? I’m pretty sure if they saw you and your glory and six winged angels, they would probably stop with the whole Ba’al worship stuff.

God: Uh… yeah… but I’ve… uh… I’ve got a thing. Why don’t you go instead?

Isaiah: Uh… okay, but I’m just a guy… you’re God… anyway, I’ve got things of my own, how long will this last?

God: Oh, you know, just until no one listens to you, I get angrier and I lay wasted to your nation.

 

Chapter 7:

So in the days of the evil king Ahaz, the Arameans come and attack Jerusalem, but couldn’t breach the city.

God: Hey, Isaiah, go talk to King Ahaz and let him know that those jerks in Aram and Ephraim aren’t going to win the war.

Ahaz: Okay.

God: You want a sign?

Ahaz: No, that’s okay.

God: You’re really pissing me off. Fine, I’ll give you a sign anyway. A young woman or virgin will give birth to a son and she will call him Immanuel. Before the kid can tell right from wrong, these armies will be broken and head home.

Me: Wait, so a child called Immanuel will be born now? And it will be a sign to King Ahaz that God is with them still? So why do we take this prophesy to mean something that happens like 800 years later?

Apologist: It’s called dual fulfillment. It means that sometimes prophesies are fulfilled more than once.

Me: Okay, and this idea comes from where? *After I do much googling to find an answer, the best I can find is “Look over there, a squirrel!”

Isaiah: God will bring on you bad times, King Ahaz. There’s going to be famine… and people will come along and shave your heads and your legs… and mean will eat curds and honey… but your vineyards are going to fail, so no more wine for you.

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