The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 8-10


Chapter 8:

God: Hey, Isaiah, grab a piece of paper and write down, “Swift is the booty; speedy is the prey.”

Isaiah: Okay.

God: Great. Go knock up this woman and name your kid that. Before the kid can walk, Assyria will conquer Damascus.

Isaiah: So I named my kid Maher-shalal-hash-baz.

Maher-shalal-hash-baz: Screw you, Dad.

God: Because Judah sucks so much, I’m also going to let the king of Assyria invade Judah and almost destroy you. They can prepare for it all they like, but they will be destroyed. They will call it a conspiracy, but it is from me. They will consult the psychics, when they should be searching for me.

Isaiah: To be fair, you only seem to be speaking to me…Have you considered marriage counseling?

God: Then they’ll wander through the desert and die and go off into darkness. And I’ll play Xbox and date other hot nations and then they’ll be sorry.

 

Chapter 9:

But then God will look upon Israel and make it glorious again. Those walking in darkness will see a light. The Lord will increase their joy and multiply the nation. The Lord will break the oppressors. A child will be born. A king who will rule. His name will be: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace. His government and His peace will reign forever. He will rule from David’s throne with justice and righteousness.

To the people of northern Israel:

God has seen your pride. You say that you will rebuild better than ever, but God will raise up more enemies to tear down your cities and steal your land and your people. Because you will not seek God, He will utterly destroy you from the least to the greatest, your princes and your false prophets. God’s pretty much disgusted with you guys and even hates your widows and orphans. God will burn the land with a fury. The people will show one another no mercy in the coming days.

 

Chapter 10:

God: Woe to the corrupt and evil leaders and judges who oppress and rob the poor of their rights. So that they may gain profit. You will be destroyed.

Woe to Assyria whom I’m using to punish Israel.

Assyria: Uh… wait… you’re sending us to punish them and now you’re punishing us?

God: Pretty much. And I’m also going to destroy Judah.

Assyria: But you’re going to destroy us for doing your will?

God: Yeah, I mean, I wanted you to destroy Israel, but then you’re going to get all prideful and snooty about it, so screw you guys.

Oh, and Israel, I’ll leave you a few people to come back to the land. Don’t worry, guys, when Assyria comes in and invades and kills many of you and carts the rest of you off to slavery, because eventually I’m going to forget why I was angry with you and then I’ll get pissed off at Assyria and destroy them. But first I’m going to totally destroy you.

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