The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 15-20


Chapter 15:

“Boy howdy, those Moabites that we don’t like are going to get theirs.”

“What about Ruth? We like her!”

“Shut up!”

 

Chapter 16:

Seriously, those Moabites are going to get theirs. I’ll give them three years before they’re almost totally wiped out.

 

Chapter 17:

Also, screw Damascus.

And you too, Israelites. God is going to afflict you to teach you a lesson about idol worship.

“Couldn’t he just show up and say, “Hey! Stop that!”?”

“Shut up!”

 

Chapter 18:

Ethiopia? You guys are screwed too. Not sure why, but probably did something to cheese God off.

 

Chapter 19:

God: And I’m totally going to hurt the Egyptians.

Egypt: What? The frogs, flies, lice, boils, horrific weather, darkness, famine, and killing our first born wasn’t enough?

God: It’s okay, because after I’m done this time, then I’ll let you guys worship me and fix everything.

Egypt: Uh… hoo-ray?

God: And then you guys are going to be friends with Judah and Assyria and you’ll all worship me.

Egypt: Great and how’s that working out so far? We’re predominantly Muslim now, have suffered under colonial rule and corrupt dictatorships, and while we do have peace with Israel, we’re not exactly buddies here.

God: Shut up!

 

Chapter 20:

God: Hey, Isaiah. I have a favor to ask of you.

Isaiah: Oh, uh, sure, Lord. What’s up?

God: I need you to give the people an object lesson about how I’m going to totally screw over Egypt and the Assyrians are going to lead the Egyptians away naked and barefoot to be slaves.

Isaiah: Okay. What did you need?

God: Get naked and barefoot and walk around town for three years telling everyone about Egypt. Whoa, okay, you seem a bit enthusiastic here.

Isaiah: You had me at get naked. Wooooooo!

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