The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 24-29

Chapter 24:

God destroys the Earth and kills most of the people because they’re sinners.

To totally ruin the mood, God also spoils the booze.

Then to really hammer home the point, God splits the Earth in two.

And for the hell of it, God also judges the angels, because why not?


Chapter 25:

Let us all give thanks to God for destroying a city and turning it into rubble. The strong and ruthless give thanks to God.

But God also watches out for the defenseless and oppressed… you know… unless they happened to live in the city he just destroyed.

Then God will have a giant feast on top of a mountain and invite all the nations to eat and worship him, except Moab. He’s going to grind those assholes into the toilet water because fuck those guys. Amen.


Chapter 26:

Then Judah will sing:

We’ve got a strong city, God builds it for us. Trust in God forever. God has smashed the proud. We long for you, Lord. Wicked people suck, but you’re going to smite them. Sure we used to worship other gods, but you’re the most important to us, Baby.  The dead aren’t going to rise, you have punished and destroyed them. Bless the country. Your dead will live though. They will rise up and feast on the flesh of the living… okay, maybe not that last part… Everyone hide for a bit because God is pissed, but then he’ll calm down again and it’ll be okay.


Chapter 27:

Then God will kill the great chaos dragon/god Leviathan, who lives in the sea, with a giant sword.  And then God will take care of his vineyard, Israel and Judah, again. And God will blow away with the wicked with a strong wind and go throughout the nations harvesting the Jews and planting them back in Judah to worship him forever.


Chapter 28:

All of those people in the Northern Kingdom are drunken assholes and God’s going to judge them. But after they’re judged, God will preserve a few good ones. God tried to teach them… (When? Did God show up somewhere in 1 or 2 Kings that I missed?) but they wouldn’t listen, so God’s going to judge them.

And you jackasses down here in Judah? You’re not going to escape. I’ve laying down a measuring line and only the righteous will be spared. The rest of you are fucked.


Chapter 29:

Woe unto Ariel, for she doth traded her voice for legs to the sea witch…


Okay, Ariel is Jerusalem. Jerusalem will be a city of misery and mourning. God will afflict it and destroy it. And then God will spend his anger against the city and remember the good times and then he’ll go beat the crap out of everyone he used to afflict Jerusalem because He’s sort of like an abusive Popeye the Sailor Man.

But in the meantime, you’re screwed because God is blinding you to the truth so He can beat the crap out of you.

God says, “These people practice religion, but it’s pointless, empty religion. So Judah will be judged, but after the judgement, they’ll be restored and worship me in truth.”


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