The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 30-32


Chapter 30:

God says, “I’m really angry that you Judeans are going down to Egypt to make a military alliance with them. You’re trying to solve your own problems instead of waiting for an invisible deity to do it for you. It’s not going to work and Egypt is going to lose too. “

“Seriously, you’re wasting your money. And I’m going to kill you. You guys keep telling my prophets to shut up about God and doing what’s right.”

I’d just like to interrupt and say that I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t tell a pillar of fire to shut up.

“You guys are going to suffer, be broken, and die. If you guys turn back to me, I’ll save you, but you won’t. Even though I’m willing to be nice to you, so I’m going to beat you for a bit until you realize how nice I am. And once you guys understand that, everything will be great.”

 

Chapter 31:

“Seriously, guys, I’m really pissed off about the whole military alliance with Egypt thing, so I’m going to make certain it won’t work out. But you know, just saying that I’m here if you guys want to worship me, I’ll save you.”

 

Chapter 32:

Sometime in the future, everything will be perfect. You’ll have wise and just leaders, the last will be first and the first will be last. Stupid people won’t be thought of as wise.

Hey, all you hussies out there who just loaf around the house all day while the men folk go out and work hard to earn a living. You’ve got a year and then God will make everything suck. You should mourn and then maybe God will pour out his Spirit upon us and everything will be great.

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