The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 33-35

Chapter 33:

Woe unto the destroyers and the treacherous. Others did them no wrong, but they destroyed and betrayed the trust anyway. They will be consumed and betrayed.

God, be our strength and salvation and be gracious towards us.

Armies will flee from the Lord. He will fill the land with justice and righteousness. He will bring stability, salvation, wisdom, and knowledge.

The land is desolate and in mourning. Poor leaders have led us to misery. God will rise and consume the wicked and the worthless men with fire. The evildoers are afraid. But those who live justly and sincerely, who conduct their business with honor, who reject violence, these will be given refuge in the Lord and provision will be made for them.

Men will see the glory of Zion with the Lord as our king.


Chapter 34:

God is pissed at all of the nations. So He’s going to kill them all and blood will be everywhere. You’d think he could kill everyone without destroying the environment, but there you go.

The sky will be rolled back like a scroll… not sure how you do that with gases, but we’ll go with it…

The stars will cease to shine. God will descend with a sword to kill all of the Edomites… who don’t exist anymore… God will turn the rivers to rivers of fire, the land of Edom will smoke forever and ever and wild animals and the ‘night monster’ will settle there. Night monster? Where the heck was this passage when I was in Sunday school? Fiery rivers and night monsters… that sounds way cooler than David and Goliath.

God played a game of craps and decided which animal gets what space in the land of Edom which is actually now part of southern Israel and Jordan and is not currently on fire or home to a night monster.


Chapter 35:

God will come soon and make this hellish desert place bloom and full of water. And there’ll be pools of water and… and… a highway called the Highway of Holiness and there won’t be any jerkass raiders and robbers… or lions that eat you… or wolves or jackals… it’ll be perfect, a land without illness or disabilities and everyone will be happy forever.

You know, Lord, that sounds really nice and all, but you could have just led us to a land that was really nice with water and lakes and a complete lack of lions and wolves and jerkass raiders who want to kill us every Spring. But that’s cool. We’ll just die now and someone, sometime in the future will enjoy all of that…


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