The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 36-39


Chapter 36:

We get a repeat of the Assyrian siege of Jerusalem. For a perfect book, the bible does like to repeat itself. Maybe Isaiah was trying to pad the word count. “Sigh… ugh… God wants 50,000 words by Friday…” “Just quote long passages from 2 Kings, it’ll be fine.”

So the Assyrians show up at Jerusalem again. Their general Rabshakeh talks trash about Hezekiah and God again.

 

Chapter 37:

Hezekiah tears his clothes again and asks God for help again. Isaiah says, “Don’t worry about it. They’re going to hear rumors of war back home and leave.” And the Assyrians do. But not before Rabshakeh says, “This is only temporary. I’ll be back. And no one can help you, not even your Goooooooooooooood MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

They come back and trash talk Yahweh some more, and then Hezekiah goes and prays to Yahweh who assures them that He’ll handle it, so God sends out an angel and the angel kills 185,000 soldiers in one night.

King of Assyria: Um… okay… I guess I was wrong. I’ll be seeing you guys.

So he goes home and gets assassinated as kings do when they lose 185,000 soldiers.

 

Chapter 38:

More of 2nd Kings. Because the first two times wasn’t enough, damn it.

Hezekiah: I’m very sick.

Isaiah: You’re going to die.

Hezekiah: NO! PLEASE! I’LL DO ANYTHING!

God: Ha. Nevermind. I was just screwing with ya, dude.

Hezekiah: Praise the Lord! But with more words!

 

Chapter 39:

Yet again… more of 2nd Kings.

Babylonians: Hey, dude. Glad you’re feeling better. We are totally not spies.

Hezekiah: In that case, let me show you my treasury and all the extremely valuable shit I have.

Isaiah: They’re spies, idiot. The Babylonians will come and take all your valuable shit one day and take hostages from your descendants.

Hezekiah: That’s their problem, I guess.

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