The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 45-47

Chapter 45:

God says to Cyrus, his chosen one, “Hey, Cyrus, this is God. I am totally writing this hundreds of years ago and not in the time after you’ve come to power, but before you die in Syr Darya in Uzbekistan. I’m totally giving you all the power you need to conquer nations and subdue them even though you don’t know me, because I’m God and I bring about good and evil. Yep. Me. Problem of evil… right in your faces. But don’t question me about it.

“So anyway, you’re going to help Israel go back to the land and rebuild Judah.

“And I’m going to give you Egypt and North Africa… which, okay you die before you conquer them, but I mean, I’ll give them to your son. Yeah, son. And everyone will say how awesome you and I are.

“I’m the only one who can save, not your dumb idols and everyone who doesn’t love me will be put to shame.”


Chapter 46:

The gods of Babylon are fallen. They couldn’t save the city.

“Everyone in Israel, I will be with you and carry you guys through. Unlike those stupid idols you keep making. They can’t help you, but I can. I can predict the future. Totally nailed that Cyrus the Great thing… more or less. And I’m totally going to deliver you guys any down now.”


Chapter 47:

“Hey, Babylon, God here. Ladies, I’ve seen you doing your magic and sorcery thinking you’re really powerful and stuff, but you’re not. You’re going to lose everything. Babylon will fall and your husbands and sons will die and you’ll be sitting in the dust naked. I gave up Judah to you, but you were mean to them, so you deserve all of this. But go ahead and try your magic spells, maybe they’ll save you.

No, they totally won’t because magic isn’t real.


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